In the thick of it

So I saw the heartbeat yesterday afternoon. I was psyching myself up to tell C and then last night, while I was asleep, minding my own business, my 20lb fur baby comes over and slumps down right on my stomach. Like with her full weight, from a standing position. NOOOOOOO. I was on my side and she just wanted to lay right on top of me I guess. I kind of freaked out. I pushed her off and jumped off the bed. It felt like a pretty strong force, but it didn't hurt. No cramps, no bleeding. But I still freaked out because of the weight that got thrown against me. It was definitely my stomach and not like she jabbed a paw into my pelvis or anything. But it was her whole body falling on my stomach.

Of course this couldn't have happened the day before my appointment. No, it happens just hours after my appointment. No more appointments for me for FOUR weeks. No more hearing the heartbeat unless I'm brave enough to use a doppler. And skilled enough.

This is one of those things that I was just destined to worry about from the moment it happened. What if I squished it? What if the force abrupted the placenta? etc. etc. Hopefully in a few days I'll realize nothing ever came of it and that everything is probably fine. Hopefully my symptoms will hang on and my stomach will get bigger and maybe I will find the hb eventually (now I am really starting to see the wisdom of the doppler - why can't anything in this process just be cut and dried?) But this has certainly taken the wind out of my "i'm gonna tell soon!" sail.

See I think the problem is that I wanted to wait until I was pretty darn sure that nothing was going to go wrong before I tell anyone. That seems to be how people do it. They tell me they're pregnant and then six months later they have a perfect healthy baby. But the last time I told, it backfired. And this time, I'm realizing, there will never be that time when I'm no longer worried. There will be days when I feel better than others about my chances (like yesterday for a couple hours after my appointment) but there will always be something to fixate on. Did I eat the wrong thing? Did I exercise too hard? Should I have had DH help me lift that?

I imagine that if this little one keeps growing, if it lives through this latest trauma and if its little heart is still beating in four weeks, and then still beating in another four weeks after that, eventually I will figure out that fetuses are pretty resilient and that I shouldn't worry so much about every little thing. I would love to get there. But right now, I'm right in the thick of it.

UPDATE: I called my obg this morning and left a message explaining what happened and asking how i would know if such a thing had done any damage. Instead of answering the question asked, the nurse called back and said:

Nurse: "The doctor says it's fine and not to worry but that you shouldn't let your dog do that."
Me: "Did she say anything about how I would know, or whether i would know, if something was wrong?"
Nurse: "No...there's nothing like that in here. Just make sure you don't let your dog jump on you."
Me: "Well right, but she did jump on me, that's why I'm worried."
Nurse: "No, there's no reason to be worried, just don't let the dog jump on you."

UGH. If there's nothing to worry about, why can't i just let my furbaby dance around on my pelvis to her heart's content? I hate it when "professionals" say crap like this, it totally compromises their credibility. And coming from a 'missed' m/c I am fully aware that just because I don't have bleeding or cramping doesn't mean nothing is wrong.

That said, I think that in the big scheme of things, this particular episode was probably fairly innocuous. PLEASE CAN THEY JUST MAKE RENTABLE ULTRASOUNDS PLEASE?