I got my 4-day-post-third-MTX-injection beta draw yesterday. I then had a dream last night that the results were zero. Not "less than 2" or "undetectable," in my dream, my doctor said "zero." Then I proceeded to have a fight with her about whether or not to have another injection. She said no, but I kept reminding her that my oncologist said to do it. She hadn't spoken with my oncologist, which did not surprise me.
(Relatedly, what does it say about how consumed I am with this mess that I'm dreaming about it)
I woke up a half hour earlier than I had set my alarm for. And I temped. And the reading was such that the anxiety set in right then and there. 97.49. Not low enough for AF or the pre-ovulatory period, not high enough for ovulation. Right where it has been every time I get a 'no change' or a just plain bad result. It made my FF chart look like the GTD is fighting back. Not that you can reliably tell this from a BBT chart. But I'm starting to notice correlations. I couldn't get back to sleep.
They are late calling me with the results this morning and this is another bad sign. So far, if I'm the one who has to call the obgyn office, the results are not good. It means the Dr. is checking with the oncologist about what to do next.
You would think I'd start being able to relax a little after these draws. Not get so anxious waiting for the results. Like I'd be desensitized by now. But I'm not. I'm very nervous.
RESULTS: 10. so they went up. By one. Dr. recommends MTX on friday and lo and behold she has not spoken to the oncologist. She doesn't even know that we met, according to the nurse who called. I am so so frustrated. I am tempted to ask why the h-- she is wasting my time, give me something that will kill it. now. I'm tired of pushing my life out one week at a time. It's probably having some effect, just not enough. So up the dose, or the frequency. Whatever, just end this before I go completely crazy. She didn't even call to talk to me. She had one of her nurses do it. F*#ker. And I have so much to talk to her about. Have I mentioned how frustrated I am lately?
ten. there is still hope since the biggest drop seems to happen between days 4 and 7. But I am growing so tired of this tirade. Maybe I will get desensitized after all. I am going to end this by saying that I'm very grateful that the levels have not gone up by more.
15 years ago
2 comments:
Ugh. Sounds like you're having a godawful time! Not knowing is the worst (and I'm not sure I've ever had to not-know something quite so scary). I'm assuming MTX is methotrexate? I had to do two doses of that to get rid of an ectopic about a year and a half ago. What a nightmare. I don't remember the drug itself being so bad, but if I had known it would take so long to get rid of the pregnancy (I think it took more than a month, but my memory also is a bit blurred from that oh-so-shitty time), I would have just gone with the surgery.
I'm not sure where you are with your doctors, but I don't think it would hurt to be a bit more assertive. It's hard to find the line between being overbearing and taking care of yourself, but I find that I usually am too meek. Three years of IF treatment has made me a lot more assertive about my rights.
Good luck. I'm sorry this blows so bad.
Oh man. I was really hoping it would do the trick. I would call your doctor's off ice and schedule an appointment to talk face to face ASAP since you can't seem to get her on the phone and she does not seem to know what she needs to from your consult with the oncologist. Remember, you pay her. you hired her. Hopefully a 7 day draw shows 0. But, if it is something more serious the time in which you react can sometimes make all the difference. Hugs and a prayer for you.
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