Beta is 8. And all eight points are taking their toll.

The days are tough. Yesterday I had a draw for three different labs - I swear they took out almost a pint of blood - then MTX injection #4, then I picked up my 10 day Rx of Provera at the pharmacy. Dr. OBG set me up with all of this in the morning (despite an emergency delivery, thanks again for sharing Dr...couldn't you just say you have an emergency? Do you have to mention you'll be delivering someone's baby? Just in time for mother's day?) saying "it'll be like one-stop-shopping." It was. I was in and out in about an hour, far better than the previous Friday when I had to make two stops, each taking over two hours. I was actually able to squeeze in some work yesterday.

Still no office plant.

Last night, DH was drinking a juice glass full of port, his poison of choice, and said the words that I have feared hearing out loud since realizing my pregnancy had failed: "I'm not sure I want to have kids." I turned away from him, angry, sad, in disbelief that he'd say something like that in the midst of what may be one of the most difficult periods of my life. He got all defensive asking why shouldn't he be free to express his opinion. He said he doesn't want to work anymore. He said that he was scared. And therein lies the problem. He said he wasn't sure. But what he meant was that he was scared and tired of his job. I'm ok with him being scared. I'm okay with him getting another job. And even if that was all he meant, I get bothered when he says something like "I don't know if I want to have kids" because it shows that he has no concept of what a remark like that does to me, especially at a time like this. It was enough to send me off the deep end.

I was uncontrollable. The pain was uncontrollable. The tears just streamed for a good hour. I shook. I sobbed, I wanted to throw up. I was so angry and so scared and when I finally worked up the ability to form a sentence I said: You don't have any idea of what I'm going through. All the appointments, taking time off of work, the drugs, the side effects...and worse than all that is the anxiety and the waiting and worrying and the frustration and disappointment and unfairness. Every minute of every day I am thinking about this and it hurts. I just want to crawl out of my skin sometimes or not wake up tomorrow to the realization that things are the same. And the only way I can get through it is to think it will all be worth it someday.

"It will be worth it, it will, we'll do it, it'll be worth it someday, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." was his response. He quickly realized that he'd been an insensitive ass. But the damage had been done. I was sent deeper into this depression I'm in. He has been further alienated and marginalized in this quest of mine to conceive. I know it's fairly common for two married people to have slightly different opinions on the subject of kids and how many kids and when. And I don't think our different opinions are insurmountable. He's more scared than me and he hates his job more. Big deal. We'll get over it. I just wish with every fiber of my being that this clusterF can resolve itself soon so we can move on with our lives together. So I won't be such a basket case. The 2WW will be nothing compared this.

My beta yesterday was 8. That's after three MTX injections which started when my beta was 28. It's down ONE point from one week ago. Down two points from three days ago. It's so hard to tell if its working. But it is a new low and I am thankful for that.