ICLW Summary

This is my first ICLW and I've already decided that it's one of the greatest ideas in the blogosphere. It's so wonderful to hear from you all - thanks so much for visiting. I think a summary may be in order, just to see if I can catch people up in a few short paragraphs.

My LMP was Oct. 16, 2008. In November I found out I was pregnant. In early January at my first u/s appointment I found out I had suffered a missed miscarriage very early (~5.5w). I had a D&C and that should have been the end of it. DH and I started BBDing a few weeks after the procedure in an attempt to try again. I was temping the whole time and was convinced I wasn't cycling at all. I was also taking HPTs semi-weekly and when, 9 weeks after the D&C, the HPTs were still turning up positive, I called my OBGYN. We quickly deduced from serial HCG tests that my levels were in the 40's and that I was not viably pregnant so we started waiting for the HCG to drop. And it did. Very very slowly. And sometimes it went up, but never more than 10 points. And so my OBGYN sent me to an oncologist who thought I might have gestational trophoblastic disease. I started methotrexate injections. Which seemed like they were working, but the numbers were still dropping so slowly that it was hard to tell. Now, almost five months after the D&C, my HCG is still positive (it was 5 after the last draw) and I have four injections of methotrexate under my belt - which means waiting at least 6 months to try again, even if my HCG ever does reach zero, to make sure the poison is out of my system. The doctors are not sure if this is all a result of a partial mole, a second failed pregnancy, or just a very slow metabolism of HCG. I just finished a course of Provera and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of AF - not sure if she will show though with HCG still in my system. I am "off treatment" (meaning no MTX) for now but if my HCG goes up, we will start a more powerful course of chemotherapy.

In the way of a micro-level update for those who have been following the blog, this is day 5 after finishing the last Provera pill and I guess I'm experiencing what I might describe as spotting, but it's very light and almost not even noticeable. NO other symptoms of AF. If she doesn't arrive, it will be difficult to know why. HCG? Ashermans? Stress maybe?

We had another lay off at work today. More drama this time. It certainly has helped to put things in perspective. One more reminder of how lucky I am.

Relatedly, I've been really good at seeing the silver lining lately, I think I'm still on a high from the last HCG result. So much so that I'm afraid to go get my next draw Monday. I don't want this feeling of hope to be extinguished. I don't want to view the world through my glass-is-half-empty lense anymore. I want to be inspired by challenges rather than defeated by disappointments (because aren't they really the same thing, approached with different attitudes?). I want to look forward to the next day and attack it. I don't want to dread or fear or hate or pity myself. And I think this is what my experiences over the last 6 months have taught me. That each day is a new chance, things can change in an instant, I've been taught perspective and the value of hope. Acceptance of uncertainty and of my own lack of control. And today I can look at this all as a gift. Because my HCG is FIVE! But tomorrow, it might be 25 and I will see it all as my personal hell. And maybe I will realize that I haven't learned much at all and that my optimism was illusory.