Some peace

It was a good weekend. And man did I need it.

First, I worked up the courage to go check in with our grumpy-old-man neighbor about how the dogs are doing during the day. Much to my relief, he said the situation had drastically improved. It filled my heart with the kind of relief you can only get when you wake up from a nightmare or find something really really important that you thought you'd lost. The really good kind of relief. I'm a little wary of all the safeguards we're taking - for example, the citronella bark collar seems to go off at inopportune times - like when the furbaby is NOT barking. And I hate that. I've seen it go off when she's roughhousing with the other furbaby (probably because of all the growling) and it makes me so sad. All they have all day is each other and now they can't even play? I'm wondering if eventually I can take the collar off and just rely on the ultrasonic boxes we've placed strategically throughout the yard.

Unfortunately, if I were to take the collar off and the barking were to resume, I don't feel like I can count on our neighbor to tell us because he's so nonconfrontational. If it gets bad again, the first notice we'll probably get is a citation from the city (or worse). So right now I'm scared to take any measures to back off on the bark control. But thank god it's working. Thank god.

I also had conversations with DH about his job and about babymaking, and not only were they productive and positive, but I didn't even have to force them...the topics just came up. About his job, I told him I trusted him and that if he needed to quit it's ok. He confessed that he doesn't have the heart to quit which convinced me that he isn't really blaming me, he knows it would be crazy to give up on his job right now. I told him how I thought giving up everything and moving to an island in Greece, in reality, would be a little isolating for this particular time in our lives. He agreed. And I told him I do wish he could stay home. I loved having him home during his sabbatical. But I told him how trapped I would feel if we were to give up the flexibility we have, when we're both working, to eventually take jobs that we really like. While we don't have kids it makes sense to work hard and save. If and when we do have kids, we can reassess.

And when we were driving home from a bbq at SIL's, DH told me that "All I know is two things. One is that I love you more than anything. Two is that I want to have lots of beautiful babies with you." He was a little drunken, but it was cute nonetheless. And so so awesome that in the throes of hating his job and feeling depressed about life, etc. he is still pro-kids, plural. More relief. But it made it that much harder to convince myself that we should wait until next cycle. Must....resist....

On the cycling front, my temp is still strangely high, but has come down a little. More encouraging is the (TMI alert) ewcm that has arrived right on time, CD 14. So hopefully I'm still on track to have a normal cycle. Next cycle is so close, and yet so far. I'm handling it well though, better than I thought I would.

I had SO much fun with the kids at SIL's bbq. I felt like a kid. It reaffirmed my sense of wanting, not just pregnancy, and not just a baby, but children. This is definitely progress for me. At times in my life, I couldn't see myself with children. The thought was kind of terrifying. It doesn't anymore. I feel confident about it. I'm excited about it and I know DH and I would make great parents. There is no doubt in my mind that this is what I want for my life. I attribute this progress both to the natural progress of maturing as time goes on and to the appreciation for the concept of parenthood that I've developed over the last year - the refusal to take any part of the process for granted.

The only disappointment this weekend was that SIL would not lay off about us having babies and informed us that she is now taking time out of her day to go to open houses in her neighborhood trying to find us a house nearby because she swears we'll need help with the little ones someday soon. First, I'm pretty independent. I think I can successfully raise kids, even if my nearest relative is one hour away. Second, moving does not make financial sense for us right now. We bought our house when the market was too high and we're now in a downturn and need to wait it out. Plus we just refinanced at an amazing rate...but we put a lot of cash (fees, points, etc.) into the refinance so we need to stay in the house for at least a few more years to break even. Third, we have a great house 20 minutes from each of our (relatively) great jobs. Fourth, and perhaps most to the point - we don't have kids and have no guarantee of ever having them.

It would of course be nice to live closer to our relatives. I would love that. But I hate that they only want us if we're making babies. I hate that the premise is so full of expectations and not-so-subtle innuendos. Why didn't they start searching for our new house seven years ago when we moved in together? The whole family certainly takes us more seriously now that we're married, but we're still not serious enough I guess. This is a lot of pressure for one little uterus.