"HCG Results Day" or "Then what the H is up with my BBT?"

Results: less than 2. The assistant keeps saying "less than zero." Which is lame and compromises her credibility. But as soon as I heard the assistant's voice on the phone I knew it must be good news. I think my OBG would call herself if it was not good.

I was also told that Dr. OBG will be on sabbatical next month and so I should call Dr. new OBG for next month's HCG results, which is good. Because if I get pg after my next HCG test, as I hope to do, it might be easier for me to "switch" to the new OBG going forward. For those new to the blog, my current OBG is a hateful bitch that I don't trust and can hardly stand to think about. She has lied to me, she has accused me of all manner of things and has said in no uncertain terms that the situation I find myself in is my fault. She is awful and I want to get rid of her asap. So this is a great opportunity. I should just start checking in regularly with Dr. new OBG instead of Dr. hateful bitch OBG. Then it will be only natural that I would go to the new OBG with a positive test. The only problem with this is that it would be such a seamless transition that my current OBG might not be sufficiently hurt that I 'dumped' her and moved on to the new one. She might actually get the impression that it was nothing she did...which it most definitely was. And, new readers, lest you think I am being irrational or spiteful, I can assure you, she has put me through so very much pain and anxiety, she deserves to know exactly how awful she is.

I woke up today to a high temp. We're talking post-O level temp. But I'm only on CD8. And it was the second day in a row of this same temp, so I can't chalk it up to a fluke. Of course my mind went straight to the fear that my HCG had gone up again. So that's what I've worried about for two days. Obviously not, according to the results today. THANK GOD. But I wonder what the deal is? Maybe I'm fighting off some bug? DH had a stomach thing this weekend...but I feel fine. Maybe it's the heat wave? But really there is nothing out of the ordinary so far as I can tell...this has never happened with my chart. Very mysterious. And of course scary. Cause everything is scary these days. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be ready to try again.

It could be stress I suppose. I'm not sure why that would cause a 2-day high temp but stress seems to be an answer for everything. And I have plenty of it lately. The situation with our neighbors vs. our barking furbaby is worse than we originally thought which I found out when I finally worked up the guts to go over and talk to the neighbor who we suspect filed the complaint. Turns out, it's not just the retired guy next door who's miffed, there's someone else who's complained. In our defense, there is another dog on our street that's a barking mess - I just hope these complainants can tell the difference. I also hope all the mechanisms we're putting in place are working. So far we have the citronella bark collar and THREE (count 'em) ultrasonic devices that will get set off if the furbabies bark (hopefully not all at once, they're spaced out around our yard). It turns out that our neighbor had already purchased one for his yard to stop our furbabies from barking and he was bummed 'cause it didn't work through the fence. I started to feel a little bad for him when he told me that. It must be pretty bad. So I told him all the steps we were taking, asked him if I could come by in a few days to ask if it's working, and I mentioned some backup plans if the first measures don't work (like keeping the furbabies in the garage during the day - which I would be loathe to do but it would be better than having them taken away obviously). I hate how upset I have become over this. Upset by the fear of losing the dog, upset by the guilt, upset by the anxiety of not knowing if things are working and of losing time at work and at home having to deal with all of this. Upset about what it's costing. Upset that our neighbors didn't confront us directly before going to the authorities. It's really rocked me.

Also, I got a cavity filled yesterday. I thought after my last trip to the dentist, the whole fact that I used to be pregnant would disappear silently into the past as far as my dental care was concerned but the first thing the hygenist said this time was: "So...you had a baby?!?" She was a different hygenist than last time. It must be engraved in gold on my chart: "Pregnant girl was here 11/17/08." "No." I said flatly, "I didn't." She understood instantly. She put her hand on my shoulder and said in a very quiet voice, "I'm sorry." And that was the last I heard about it that day. The visit did not get any better. I went in for a simple filling and after an hour and a half of numbing and digging and drilling the dentist finally ended the procedure by saying "we'll keep our fingers crossed that we won't need a root canal!" Indeed. "We" will.

Other than this though, life is good. Because my HCG is still at zero! I can't believe how close I am to this wait potentially being over. Somehow it makes me feel like I don't really deserve for it to be over. Or like it would be smarter to keep waiting. Somehow I still think my oncologist's advice (he thinks its fine to start trying again right away) is too good to be true. Like if I dare hope for it to be true I will be punished with cancer. I still have a month to get comfortable with it though and believe me, there are days I'm tempted to try even earlier. How did I get here? When trying for a baby has become the stuff of nightmares? When trying too early can mean a deadly disease? When even waiting the recommended time is no guarantee that you won't get cancer again? When I'm scared to trust my doctors? When I find myself rationalizing the choice to start to TTC 4.5 months after my HCG hit zero instead of 6 months after it hits zero by saying - if by month six post HCG normalization we determine that the GTD is back and I am two months pregnant, I can terminate (for purposes of undergoing cancer treatment) without as much heartache as if I was 5 months pregnant. What kind of consolation is that? I hate this. And I hate it even more when I think about how blissful the new moms in my life are. And how easy the rest of the family obviously expects it to be for us. It is not getting easier. It's getting harder.