Babymaking's 101st Post!

What else would I start my post off with on this most momentous occasion, but a story about my dentist appointment? It's relevant, I promise. I looked around the waiting room when I first walked in and all I could think was "last time I was here, I was pregnant. I was so excited." That last visit had been my first time to that dentist so as I walked in this time I was thinking, I have only been in here - pregnant. I hadn't even told DH yet because I still couldn't quite believe it, I was about 4 weeks and 3 days. I had had to tell people at the dentist's office so they wouldn't give me xrays. This time, it saddened me a little, but it was also a little exciting because I am hoping that this was last time I would see it before I have a baby (well, other than that cavity I'm having drilled later this month).

Unfortunately, my worst fear about the appointment was realized. Worse than having a cavity, worse than that awful gritty toothpaste and xray cards that pinch the inside of your mouth - the fear that there would be some kind of explaining to do. And lo and behold, as soon as I was in the chair it was:

Hygienist: "Oh, you were pregnant last time you were here!"

Me: "I was."

Hygienist: "Did you have a little boy? Or a little girl?"

Me: "I didn't have a baby, I had a miscarriage."

Hygienist: "Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh that's so hard, I too have miscarried."

We talked a little more about it. A little more than I had intended. This stuff just weighs on me and I think I crave the opportunity to talk about it more than I realize. She had never heard of a molar pregnancy which didn't surprise me but depressed me a little bit (why why why did it happen to me?!) She was sympathetic and supportive but didn't use much discretion. As soon as the doctor came into the room she announced, "She had a miscarriage!" in a loud, almost jovial tone. What. the. fuck? I have no doubt that the whole office could hear it because there were no doors on any of the rooms and it's a tiny office. I don't know what prompted the announcement - maybe the doctor pointed at my chart and discreetly asked if I was still pregnant. She proceeded to explain to the doctor, and the rest of the office, that I was going to be trying again! I didn't understand. There's a reason I haven't told many people IRL about this. I don't want to be identified as the miscarriage girl or the pregnancy-cancer girl. I guess it doesn't matter so much in the dentist's office which I really only visit once a year, but I couldn't get my head around her approach.

Whatever. She was really nice about it otherwise. And she did a good job on my teeth. "At least my teeth will be in order," I said to her at one point to try to change the subject.

The day didn't get much better.

Even though I still maintain that my PCP is misreading my lyme disease test results, I made an appointment with "infectious diseases" to go over them. Mostly to put my mind at ease. I've been billing like it's 1999 lately so I'm less worried about taking time off to figure this out. But still, there are about 10 million things I would rather do with that time and the fact that there's a chance I might have to go on a course of antibiotics makes me anxious. Usually I play things safe - even getting the Lyme test in the first place was kind of a paranoid thing to do - but even in my compulsive perfectionism regarding my health, I think if "infectious diseases" give me the option to take prophylactic antibiotics, as I suspect they will (even if they don't think I have the infection) I will probably decline them. And by the way, shouldn't there be a more PC term for that department than "infectious diseases?" It sucks to have to call and make an appointment with infectious diseases. Or tell coworkers where you're going. Tell anyone "I have an appointment with infectious diseases today" and watch them jump 10 feet back and give you sideways glances all day. Or asking for directions - "which way is the infectious diseases department?" "Shouldn't you be wearing a haz-mat suit?" would be the only proper response. Anyway, so I'm going on the 15th which feels way too far away, I really want to put this issue behind me.

Back at work a co-worker was talking about how she didn't mind sitting in traffic because it was kind of a peaceful time away from her kids. I played along (in my bitterness) and mentioned that a lot of my new-mom friends felt that way - like walking home and other drawn out solitary tasks were the best part of their day. The co-worker spared no time in correcting me: "It's DEFINITELY not the best part of the day. The best part of the day is being with your kids." She said with conviction. Good. That's how it should be. But I'm still bitter.

Also, I got glasses. I have never worn glasses and thought I had perfect vision for the longest time. But then, I think I mentioned, I almost couldn't read the letters on the DMV eye test recently and began to realize that maybe the shooting pain in my left temple was eye strain. I'm starting to feel like one of those people who create medical issues for themselves just for the attention. I can't think of the name offhand. When I get a call from my medical center, I no longer automatically know that it's my OBG. It could be my eye doctor. Or my PCP. Or the oncologist (as if). Or infectious diseases. Good lord I am a mess. Not to mention my cavity. And being about a month away from possibly TTC I better get all these issues wrapped up.


Which brings me to the TTC front, I've deleted The Wait ticker. It's too much pressure. I don't need one more thing telling me I should wait until November if I really don't need to. I'm reminding myself of MeAndBaby lately. She said recently (and I'm paraphrasing, please correct me, MeAndBaby, if I misspeak) that her MO is that long before she actually consciously makes a decision, she starts taking steps that will facilitate what the decision actually will look like or result in. So before she's admitted the desired end result to herself, she has already started the process. I think this is what's happening to me. Logically I think I will resist trying again until Nov. 1. But I've noticed that I'm taking steps that will allow me to try again Oct. 1. For example, when the dentist asked when I wanted to come back for my filling I said "I don't care, it just has to be within 30 days." "How about the first week in October?" Me: "Is there anything earlier than that?" There was. And my concern of course was that I might be trying again in early October and don't want to be dealing with cavities and novocain injections.

Similarly, while I would usually postpone or forget about the whole lyme disease fiasco, I've decided to see it through and scheduled the appointment with enough time to do antibiotics if needed (although then there's the issue of whether I would need a washout period...).

Part of me wishes that I would have had no other option than to schedule my dentist appointment smack dab in the middle of October. Because then I wouldn't have to decide whether to start trying Oct. 1. I would just have to push back our trying again date to Nov. 1. And who knows, maybe something else will come up.

The other part of me thinks I need to get this show back on the road. I am cycling normally, O'ing, AF, everything happening like clockwork. I am healthy, by October 1 I will have been taking prenatals for almost 5 months. It will have been almost 5 months since my last MTX injection. It will be 3.5 months from when my HCG hit zero. Could I wait one more month? Yes. Will it make a difference as to the MTX washout or recurrence of GTD? It can't possibly. And I keep coming back to the idea that if this whole TTC thing goes wrong again (which I sort of expect it to), if I end up miscarrying or in beta hell, I want to get through that earlier rather than later so I can get to that point in the unforseeable future (but it has to be out there, right?) that I have a healthy pregnancy.