'Tis the season

Here are some stats:

15 days left on my ticker.

Probably about 24 hours left until O time.

By next ICLW I may be trying again. This will depend on...

...my next beta in 19 days.

Approximately 16 days until AF.

If all goes well, I will be actually trying again in approximately 29 days.

This week is starting to crawl as I approach O. I am having a good cycle, my oncologist isn't worried, why am I not doing something about it? Why am I wasting this egg? This opportunity? Everything could fall apart before next month. You might regret this...

It has been difficult to re-convince myself in the last few days that this is not a waste. I can tell myself the extra month is to make sure the MTX is out of my system and to make sure all the old crusty, potentially-damaged-by-chemo eggs from The Wait are washed out and to make sure sure sure my HCG is normal and my cycles are normal. But the only thing that really helps is to scare myself by asking Dr. Google about things like recurrence of choriocarcinoma and the answers I get from him are usually so grim that it makes me not want to try again ever. It's a turbulent time. One minute I'm ready to give it a go. The next I'm thinking about quitting TTC altogether and focusing on adoption. I'm irrational. Emotional. Frustrated. But I'm also healthy, I know another month can't really hurt (right?), and I could still use that last month to improve my diet and drinking habits. And really, technically, my status will be "trying again" in just a few days. After I O this cycle, I will be fairly secure in the knowledge that I will be all over the next possible opportunity. Barring any problems with my October beta.

These days when I make plans, new thoughts are starting to creep into my head: I will be trying again by then. Or I might be pregnant by then. I am starting to think of the things that will need to change in my daily life. I can't let the dogs jump all over me like they do, our walks might get shorter. Clothes - thank god it's winter and I'll be able to layer them on 'cause i don't want to announce another pregnancy until the baby is safe in my arms. I won't be able to drink, that's good 'cause my body could use a break. I have plenty of practice 'faking it' through the holidays from last year.

I feel sort of silly an guilty for thinking things like this. As if I were really going to have a real pregnancy. Who do I think I am? How could I hope that I might actually be one of the lucky ones?

The seasons where I live changed yesterday. Overnight. That's how they are here, it happens really fast. And this new one, unsurprisingly I guess, reminds me of pregnancy. The cold air, the warmer clothes, subtle things like feeling congested more often than not, the sky gets darker earlier, I'm drinking hot chocolate and tea instead of diet soda and ice water. It reminds me of being pregnant. It's how I felt when I walked around with my baby inside thinking someday soon the whole world will know about this new life of mine, this new experience of mine, and it will be the best experience of my life, having this child to love. I bundled up and breathed icy breaths, wore boots and beanies and my puffy jacket...and then I would feel sick from morning sickness or would have to hand DH my glass of wine when no one was looking. It's all associated. And it's painful. I'd like to think of it as a new beginning, that from now on this season will be associated with something better. But I'm still so far from making that happen. It will either make things all the more better or that much worse that we will be (hopefully, again depending on the beta) trying again in the precise week that we got knocked up last year. It could be a nightmare repeating itself. It all feels very deja vu otherwise, after all. Why do I think it will turn out any different this time?