Vegas Baby!

The day didn't start out so well. I went on a 2 hour hike with DH and the dogs and nary a word was spoken (can you tell I'm BUI? when does anyone ever say 'nary'??) but for when I asked him what he was thinking and he said 'you probably don't want to hear it.' I figured it could be something about work or my spending habits or my alcohol intake - I've been on a 1-a-day plan for a while now. And I thought, fine. Don't tell me. Maybe I don't want to hear it. In the back of my head it occurred to me that this had something to do with kids. My heart sank and I got a little panicky at the thought. And I didn't ask him to elaborate. If he doesn't say it, it won't be real. Instead I joked with him "you're thinking how fat my a** looks?"

He smiled. "No" he said, he was thinking about how much he hates his job, blah blah blah. He's been saying this for seven years. I encourage him to leave his job. I even wouldn't combust if he straight up quit with no other prospects. He's a really industrious guy, has been working since he was 15 and he's a saver. He's smart with money, this is one thing I really trust about him. So if it's so bad that he thinks he needs to quit, he probably does. But he doesn't quit...he just complains. And dreams about moving back to Greece. His homeland. He has a house on an island and yearns for the simple life. Which would be nice but there are so many details to consider and I happen to think Greece can wait for us to retire. I think it would be better to bring our kids up in the US, especially while my parents are still alive. He just wants out. He often tells me that I'm the only reason he's still here. And I believe him. And it makes me feel like I'm holding him back. But his life isn't so bad.

Anyway, he started venting about it all even though I didn't ask him to elaborate, and at one point he said "and then later you have kids and you can't do sh*$." Petrification. That's what I felt. Even when he alludes to not wanting kids I pretty much want to freak out. And I hate how close minded he is. We just spent two days visiting adorable, happy, smart one year olds, he must have seen the looks on their parents faces. He must have felt the excitement I did. How could he say something like this? But then again, he had said "you have kids" like the decision was made. We would have kids, even if he sees it as something we would have to do a work-around on.

Later I tested the waters by reminding him that if he got our daughter's name tatooed on his arm (he's been thinking about this because any daughter that we may have will have his late mother's name) he'd have to get our second kid's name tatooed on him too. Was he ready for this commitment? He said he was. Success.

So then I got on a plane with my boss and landed in Vegas. Which I love....for 48 hours at a time. And what's the first thing I thought about when I got to my hotel room? It was this: Last time I traveled for work, I struggled with the idea all the wine that was offered during the trip. First class plane rides mean free drinks. Hotel rooms on the clients mean free minibar. My boss is a big wino so I don't have to hide my affinity. There is always wine offered (or practically required) at dinner. But I struggled last time because me and DH had been "trying" and there was a chance, albeit small, that I was pregnant. I had taken an HPT before I left and it was stark raving negative. So I had the glass of wine. But I got home and tested positive. And thus began the longest, realest nightmare of my life.

This time around I can drink. I can lift heavy luggage. I feel just fine and can stay awake all day. And I have no kids. I'm not a mom. By most definitions I'm not even a mom to be. And after a year of researching and learning all that can go wrong with a pregnancy, I am more incensed than ever that so many of my friends have had it so easy. On some level though, I guess it gives me hope that maybe, one day, it could be that easy for me. That my HCG will double. That my NT scan will be normal, that all those days and steps will fall into place and result in a healthy baby. The ignorance of everyone outside this community still enrages me. And yet, still makes me envious.

But for now, I shall enjoy the view from the top of the Bellagio.