She's here she's here she's here!!!!!

AF arrived. And CD32 becomes CD1 of the last cycle before resuming TTC if all goes well (and I am really knocking on wood here). She really made me sweat a little. I had two whole days of waiting, hour by hour, taking too many trips to the bathroom, being in a worse mood than PMS alone could explain. On one hand I feel like maybe I should have had a little faith. But on the other, I have been thrown around so much by my body that I don't blame myself in the least for assuming the worst. And given how scared I was that this late AF meant a recurrence of GTD (I was bawling last night, cried myself to sleep, had TWO drinks instead of my usual one - and it didn't help that me and DH decided to watch a movie to escape from reality. Because we put in Junebug and I had NO idea what happened at the end. Let me tell you, it is one of the very worst movies to watch if you're having a bad IF day), I have had no problem convincing myself that I should stick to my guns and sit this cycle out too.

Anyway, so AF didn't put me out of my misery until 6pm this evening, just as I was leaving work to make sure I got to the lab before it closed. I had decided that if AF didn't show today I would get my monthly beta early to figure out what was going on - hopefully to put my mind at ease. And AF hadn't shown. So I packed up and made one last trip to the ladies room and, well, you know the rest. I didn't end up getting my beta. I'll save that for my next freakout.

Partially because AF was so late and partially just because, it was a crappy day. In no small part due to a co-worker of mine who I think I've talked about before. This is the one that got pregnant her second month off of BCPs and has told me on multiple occasions that they weren't even making a concerted effort - they were just "doing what married people do." Like falling off a log it was. She's the one who announced to everyone at work that she was pregnant at 8 weeks having never gotten a positive pregnancy test (she says she drinks too much water for those to be accurate) or gotten an ultrasound or had any hard data suggesting she was, in fact, pregnant - let alone viably pregnant. And she ended up with a perfect, beautiful baby boy several months later. "I didn't need any tests, I was the poster child for a healthy pregnancy," she had told me - this was some time after I had explained to her my own struggles trying to have a baby. Could she be more insensitive? Turns out, yes. yes she could...

Currently, she's trying all these new kinds of birth control - different-doseages of the pill, the ring, etc. She's now waiting to try yet another type - waiting for AF to show - and was lamenting today about how she's not used to having to wonder when AF is going to arrive since she's been on the pill her whole life. I told her I knew the feeling since I'm off of birth control now too. I was after all, as we know, on CD32 and quite frustrated and scared so I really did feel her pain. I added: "and it's kind of scary because when AF is late, it could mean the cancer is back."

And here's her response: "Oh for me anything would be better than being pregnant again!" This was even worse than it sounds because it was not just a slap in the face to me but was also purely indulgent 'look-at-me-I-went-through-pregnancy-and-it-was-so-difficult-you-have-no-idea' gratuitous crap. She has made no secret of the fact that she wants to have more kids. So of course it's not true that anything would be better than another pregnancy. And it was hurtful. Because I really was scared shitless and she completely trivialized this. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned and in retrospect I wish I had spun right around and walked out of the store we were browsing for candy in, never to talk to her again. She doesn't get it. I can't be friends with someone who is so fucking careless and hurtful and stupid. A slip up once or twice is one thing but she has gotten into a pattern here. This is the same person who reminded me that I was lucky not to have another mouth to feed when our firm was doing layoffs and the same person that can't go two sentences without one of them starting with "Now that I'm a mom..."

And then, maybe in a pathetic attempt to smooth over what she had said (but which only succeeded in digging the knife in deeper), she asked if I had seen the scene in "Saved" where one of the girls is afraid she's pregnant and she hears that her symptoms could mean pregnancy or cancer and so she starts chanting to herself "please be cancer! please be cancer!" I told her I had seen "Saved" and that I thought they stole the line from "Now and Then." Where were my balls, exactly? I don't know.

A cold hard thought just now hit me. She usually starts her period about a week before I do. I know this because she talks about it all the damn time. For some reason, she always finds a way to let me know when she's on her period. She sneaks it into the conversation "I'm on my period so no white pants for me," or "the day I had to do my speech my period started!" Come to think of it, ever since my period resumed in June, I have been made acutely aware of every period she's had. Anyway, my point is this. Her cycle always starts several days before mine. Maybe 5 or 6 days. This month, hers hasn't started....and mine has. And mine was late. Maybe she's pregnant.

My work environment is so toxic. SO many babies. And I've told too many people IRL about the details of my struggle (just two at work, but two too many). I'm starting to subconsciously feel like I need to get pregnant just to measure up, to prove to them that I am as good as them, that I'm as healthy as them, as much of a woman, to be part of the club, to be "on track." This is of course total crap and I am constantly reminding myself of the real reasons I want kids. But sometimes I wish I could get away from it all. I really need a vacation.

But thank you AF, for coming to see me today. I would be lost without you. And now I'm not just one day closer but one whole almost perfect cycle closer. And for this I am truly grateful.