So was it the chicken? Or the egg?

I'm feeling pretty crappy. I should be excited. The end of The Wait might be just around the corner (still knocking on wood), my HCG is normal, and I have a wonderful life aside from this whole IF issue. The problem is that despite all of this, I feel like my whole life IS the IF issue. So there's little else to provide consolation. I feel like I'm marinating in doubts and fears and frustration and unanswerable questions, jealousy, bitterness...what else...did I say fear? Just a general dissatisfaction with respect to my life and my inability to rise above this challenge. I'm getting consumed by it. It's controlling me. And I'm letting it. It's an obsession. But somehow I've convinced myself the only way to get what I want is to go through this, to punish myself with daily affirmations of days left and temp charts and beta draws and medical journal articles about cancer and replaying conversations with my doctors in my head, searching for something I missed, something that will definitively answer the questions of when should I try again and, more importantly, what then?

I blame a bunch of things for my craptastic mood. My BBT is still elevated. I can't figure it out. It's really really high for this part of my cycle, it's staying high, and there doesn't seem to be a reason for it. I wouldn't be so worried about erratic temps but last month was so textbook, this month's temps just don't make sense and it reminds me of the days between my D&C and when I finally got my period, six months later. The days when nothing was normal and no one knew why. In those days my hope started to evaporate, a little at a time. Those days were traumatic. I looked all day every day for SIX MONTHS for any sign at all that something would go right. And none came. Not a single sign. Everything just kept getting worse and worse than I ever imagined things could get. That's what this feels like, a loss of control, a loss of understanding. After all that I've been through this year, I have even less faith or ability to let go than I started with.

The whole issue with the dogs barking is still bothering me too. I can't tell if the things we're doing are working. They seem to be, but I only really get to test it for about 10 minutes a day. And I didn't realize it was such a problem in the first place, clearly I haven't been around for the worst of it. So I really have no idea. I just know I love my dogs and I'm worried about them.

Probably the most significant factor is how dismal DH is acting lately. And by lately I mean this year. This decade? He hates his job. Every. Single. Night. he comes home and tells me he doesn't know if he can take it anymore. He is SO unhappy. It doesn't help that he's in a new position and feels in over his head. And he complains about it incessantly. Which is difficult for me to hear for a number of reasons. One is that I care about him and don't want him to be unhappy. Two is that he's lucky to have that job, a lot of people right now would gladly take his place? Three is that I'm tired of him crying wolf, so to speak. Every complaint sounds like it's the last straw...but he's still there.

I just don't know how to respond. I have two choices, as I see it. I can continue to coddle him and sympathise as much as I can, tell him sure he can quit or get another job and I will support that. To try to be kind and supportive despite how ridiculous and trying the situation has become.

Or I can throw down the hammer. Tell him I am done hearing about it. Do something about it already because you're bringing me down with you and I've had it. Quit or don't quit but stop whining. I just can't take it anymore. He has it pretty good. He's paid well, he has time to work out, time to have a life. And I'm not stopping him from leaving, I don't want to be used as an excuse for his unhappiness, and I'm kind of upset that this is all he can think of to talk about in our marriage for SEVEN long years. Every time I ask what he's thinking, the answer is work. Every time we have a few hours to ourselves, the conversation turns to finances and how he can arrange to not have to work anymore. Or what new business idea he's come up with that he doesn't end up pursuing.

Sometimes he seems kind of mad at me over it. Like I won't let him retire. First of all, he's 32. He's got a long way to retirement. Second of all, I will let him do whatever he wants. I trust him, I'm not standing in his way. He's a grown up. He can do whatever he wants. As long as it doesn't interfere with my dream to have a baby.

And in the end, that's what all of this comes down to. All of the things in my life seem to matter lately only insofar as they help or hinder my goal of starting a family.

One thing I've learned from this whole pity party is how bad I've allowed my attitude to become. Probably the first step to getting out of the trenches is a change in my attitude. And I think this will help inspire DH too. I think he needs someone to lean on for right now. And instead of being indignant and selfish, I should be happy to be there for the person I love. I should be happy. Period. Because then everything else will be better. I'm just so confused as to whether happiness causes a positive attitude or whether a positive attitude causes happiness...or whether happiness is a myth and we all just need to keep doing the best we can.