Indecision and other maladies

UPDATED

You ladies must think I'm nuts, not being able to make up my mind about the length of The Wait. Like this one month is going to make all the difference in my future - life or death style. I will spare you the internal debates that have been swirling around in my head for the last couple weeks. If for no other reason than you've pretty much heard everything already. I told DH about the dilemma and quickly realized, voicing my concerns IRL, that if I bugged him about it as much as I blog about it, he would divorce me or send me to the asylum or something. His initial response was: we should wait as long as we have to, but if the oncologist said we're good to go....um,...why would we wait...? Since then he's been kind of apathetic, I think because of the whole "he wants to be enough for me" thing, but also I think it's partly due to the fact that he knows I'm kind of Type A and paranoid and gets totally turned off when I freak out about things that don't matter and/or reproductive biology.

One thing that would have helped me decide is how this cycle went. If I O'ed on day 17 (today, actually), as I suspect I do, or on an earlier day, then I would be pretty much assured that my next O date is sometime in late Sept and anytime in Sept just sounds too early for some reason. However, if my next O date were to fall in early October...well, October just sounds better. My oncologist said october/november was a good time to start when I suggested I would be waiting longer than August 10. I know this is splitting hairs, but this really has been occupying my mind and if I can't be honest here, where can I be? Unfortunately for me, my bbt thermometer conked out today, even though I just replaced the battery last week. It's not even a year old but it's definitely done. It made some anemic squeely beepy sound when I hit on and within seconds the screen went blank with the exception of a misdirected digital dot that probably used to represent something important. So I have no data points for today and don't temp on the weekends...so that's three days in a row straddling the very point at which I'm pretty sure I ovulated. If I was more superstitious I'd say it was a sign. That I need to give myself a rest from this obsession.

As long as I'm being honest, I think part of my problem still is Dr. OBG. If she was totally out of my life and my only doctor was Dr. GO, I might feel better about starting earlier. While logically I know I shouldn't worry about what Dr. OBG will say, I do a little. And in my own defense, this is not because I trust her or want to continue with her, it's because I think her position isn't totally without merit. The longer you wait the less likely MTX will be an issue, the more it becomes indisputable that HCG is at a true zero...these are important things, and as I've said before, I don't want to go into another pregnancy worrying about cancer and deformed babies.

I suspect this is what will happen. I will get to the end of Sept and will think - I'm still too scared to try again, it's awfully early, I haven't done enough penance, and two more weeks will go pretty quick - two more weeks being the point at which we can stop preventing - so might as well wait. There are plenty of distractions over the next month. Let's hope they're enough.

The other thing that could happen is that I get to a month from now and feel like I've waited FOREVER and that it's been plenty of time to resume TTC.

Whatever the decision is, I'm relying on it to just hit me over the head and put me out of my misery.

In other maladies, I got back my lyme disease test results. I looked them up online since my PCP posts test results online and there were about a dozen antibodies being tested for and two tested "reactive" with the rest being "non reactive" or "negative." I didn't know what this meant so I called my doctor to see what she had to say, thinking that because no one called me about them, it was probably not a big deal. Turns out the Dr had left a message with the nurse that I should make an appointment to come in and discuss the results. Only no one ever called me to tell me this. So they tried to make me schedule an appointment today when I called in and I told them I really didn't want to schedule an appointment and to have the doctor call me. Positive or negative test results, this cannot be more than a 5 minute conversation with a possible Rx of antibiotics. I do not have the time to do another appointment. I am so tired of this shit. And I really thought I was being paranoid by getting the test in the first place. Of COURSE I don't have lyme disease, I got the tick off of me within two minutes, no rash, mostly negative results. What is going on? And why can't someone call me? I don't need this right now.

Speaking of things I don't need right now, I was supposed to get my eyes dialated tomorrow. I had an eye exam last week which I scheduled early in the morning to get it out of the way and no one told me that (a) I'd be required to get my eyes dialated or that (b) I wouldn't be able to read for a couple hours thereafter (can you tell I haven't had an eye exam in a really long time?). So I told them I'd have to come back in for the dialation because I had a critical meeting immediately following the appointment which would require me to be able to read and I rescheduled it for tomorrow evening. In the spirit of not being able to get away from my office lately, I called to cancel it. The receptionist actually resisted my request, "this is very important for your eye exam, you just want to cancel?!?" "Yes," I said. I have not had my eyes dialated in 20 years with no ill effects. And the doctor did practically blind me last week with as good an exam as she could without the full dilation. Surely it can wait until next year's test. And after all, it was the office's fault that I couldn't get a dialation done during the exam. But in good faith I even added "I can call back to reschedule if it's that important." Recaptionist: "Ok, well, I'll have to leave a note with the doctor about this!" "Ok" I said. WTF? Is my doctor going to yell at me? Rescind my prescription? Is someone going to show up to my house if I don't reschedule? And how important is it? I already got my prescription...I understand they can detect damage this way but really is it something that can't wait until next year's appointment? If anyone has 2 cents or more to contribute on this, I'm all ears.

UPDATE: Two things re: the lyme disease test.

1) I checked the online results again, while confusing, the second look-through made a little more sense. It looks like I have one reactive band for both the IgG and the IgM. It's # 41 for both. Evidently you only get a positive test for IgG if you have 5 out of 10 bands on the IgG and 2 out of 3 on the IgM. I have 1 out of each. So my test is negative. In fact it says "negative" for both, I just wasn't looking in the right spot earlier. So I started to feel a little better after seeing this....

2) But then, my PCP calls back and left a message (because my ass wasn't around to answer the phone because my co-worker (who has a pregnant wife) was talking my ear off about the half marathon he did this weekend) and says she wanted to see me because it's hard to know what to do about these results (!?). She sounded open to discussing things further on the phone so I'm going to go with that. But I'm alarmed that she doesn't know what to do. First, she's a doctor, she should know what to do. Second, my results are NEGATIVE. How is that ambiguous? I think the worst that could happen is that she says there are rarely false positives for the antibody I tested positive for or something like that, and that she would recommend prophylactic antibiotics which should cure me right up. But of course whatever I think is the worst that could happen never is. I really am not that alarmed at this worst-case scenario unless the antibiotics are particularly lethal and would postpone my babymaking efforts. Then I would be mad. Especially 'cause I doubt that I have the disease.