Be good to yourself

This was the message DH imparted to me before he left on his sabbatical...and not just for my benefit, but for that of our unborn children. In fact, mostly for them.

I love that he thinks I'm enough. While DH is of course enough too, in all honesty I don't think I am as big a fan of the idea of just the two of us as he is. If it turns out that we can't have kids, that's different. Then the decision is made for me. But what if he just really seriously and strongly didn't want them. I would of course still be his devoted wife. But something would be missing. Whereas I think DH would be relieved on some level to just have me and have that be it. Does that mean he loves me more than I love him? I've always been convinced that I loved him more - mostly based on our history. I knew within a week of meeting him that I would love him forever and that I wanted to always be with him. NINE somewhat turbulent years later he finally asked me to marry him. But he loves me SO much that he doesn't need kids to be part of the picture. And I do have that need. So does that make me the more loved one? Or does it just stem from the fact that I have two X chromosomes?

DH has shown me that he loves me more than the prospect of kids in a couple ways recently. One is that he is worried about childbirth. Before we knew you could get cancer from a pregnancy, or preeclampsia or any of the other myriad potentially grave complications, the birthing process was pretty much the thing to be worried about. So he did. He once said that if I died he wouldn't be able to accept the kid. That's silly, of course he would. He'd be more bonded to it than ever 'cause it would be just of the two of them. He'd have to take care of that kid, for me. Then, when I did get the GTD diagnosis, while he's come around to be quite excited about kids, he's willing to wait as long as required before we try again. He said a few years was fine, he wanted to make sure I'm safe. I am the most important thing. Sometimes I don't feel that way. Sometimes I think having a kid is something I'm willing to die for. That sounds kinda crazy when I write it like that. It's more of a "have a kid or die trying" kind of mentality - throw caution to the wind - than me being a martyr or freely giving myself over such that others may live. It's just my stubborn determination. I think it says something about how strong the biological urge to reproduce really is. I never thought I'd get hit this hard.

Anyway, back to the story. We've grown all these fruits and veggies in our backyard. Well, DH has grown them. I stick to growing basil and that's about it. I'm way too lazy for all the work he's into. I LOVE having fresh produce, but I don't know that it's worth the time it takes. So I'm really glad he's into it. The last night he was home I came home from work and went straight to the fridge for a beer and then opened a bag of those "healthy" (healthy-er?) rice-cake looking potato chips from costco. I had waited ALL day for sweet release of the grip of the work day and this just sounded like the perfect thing. And it was so instantaneous - no fuss, just grab and go. DH goes "we have all these fresh fruits and vegetables and you want potato chips? You need to take care of yourself. For our babies." Normally I would not be a big fan of the spousal paternalism, but this time I felt like crying it was so sweet.

And he's right. I astound myself by how lazy I am. That is really the root of any concerns I have at present with my health. Well, other than my love affair with alcohol. I just have no patience. It's about as much as I can handle to throw together a sandwich before I go to work - and even then it's more because it takes less time to make one at home than going all the way down to the ground floor at work and into the next-door bagel place and standing in line and waiting for my order to be ready and then getting all the way back to my office. I have no patience in general but when it comes to food - it's the worst. If I'm hungry, I need to eat, NOW. And I feel like I deprive myself of so much, watching fat and calorie content, no meat or fish, no crazy pasta dishes or extravagant desserts, that when I do eat, I eat whatever I want within the "safe" zone. Which usually turns out to be candy or low-cal chips, diet soda, and all other kinds of nutrient-free, chemical-rich fare.

So here's the deal. Assuming my betas stay "zero" I have less time than I thought to prepare for a potential pregnancy. So I have to make some changes. And here they are in no particular order.

1. More protein. I read somewhere that low protein is a risk factor for molar pregnancies. So of course I'm paranoid that the hell of the last year may have been related to my diet. I know that's far fetched but protein is important for lots of reasons and I just don't get enough, being a vegetarian. Now I know, I know one can get plenty of protein on a vegetarian or even a vegan diet, as much as necessary, in fact, but again, I am lazy, so the fewer options, the less likely I am to take advantage of the options I do have. I need to make an effort. I am going to make an effort.

2. Less alcohol. I have a 1-2 drink a day habit. This is too much. I can break it when I'm properly motivated. Like during 2WWs and when I was undergoing MTX treatments or when I have to drive. That's how I know I'm not an alcoholic. But I think I need to cut back even before I get a chance to be in a 2WW. So cutting back to 1 drink a day for starters (effective last night), then maybe just on the weekends. Pretty soon (hopefully) I will be drinking very little or nothing at all for at least 2 weeks out of the month.

3. Substitute sparkling water for diet soda and reduce the fake sugar in my diet more generally. I have been drinking diet soda my whole adult life. I am really torn about whether to be concerned about that or not. I've researched and heard so much conflicting evidence. But whatever is in that stuff, can't be good over that number of years. It's definitely something I want to cut down if I ever get pregnant, and there's no time like the present.

That's it for now. I may add to the list, but considering how lazy I am, this is probably enough to start with.