Why won't my ticker sit still?

My ticker keeps jumping back and forth, did you notice? I think I've reconstructed it seven dozen times. I'm feeling very conflicted over thirty little days. I think, if I'm honest with myself, it's a sign that I don't feel comfortable TTC until November. This is due to both of my latest obsessive worries in roughly equal parts: 1) that my HCG, while less than two, could possibly be taking its sweet time to get down to nothing. Recall that it has spent a month at one level in the past (for example, when it hit the 40's...and then again when it hit 15...and then again when it hit 5...). While I know that I keep testing "less than two," how do I know it's not spending a month or two at 1 or .5 or .25, gathering strength and multiplying only to rear its ugly head again once a baby comes along, endangering us both...and 2) that there still may be MTX in my tissue. And it may affect an embryo. And its effects might appear in an anatomy scan at 5 months or the birth of the baby manifesting in spina bifida or some other deformity or pulmonary problem. For some reason I feel like Nov. 1 is the magic date when I wouldn't have these concerns anymore. I will have waited (almost) the commonly recommended (but way too conservative) 6 months after MTX treatment and almost 6 months from when my HCG normalized. I know my oncologist said go ahead. But he was more sincere about it when I mentioned waiting until October/November. And he really didn't address the MTX washout period. I have a gut feeling that November is it. And I really really trust my gut feelings. They are so wise.

I did some (more) research on the MTX washout period today. I got so wrapped up and tunnel vision about it that I called my oncologist to get his perspective on whether he was worried about it and whether there's a test to detect whether MTX is still in my tissue. The message itself wouldn't have been sooo bad. But THEN, how's this for "loco," I called back and cancelled the message. I don't think I've ever done that before, I didn't even know if it was possible - but why not right? I realized that I already knew the answers to these questions - I know he's not worried, wouldn't it be insulting to ask him to repeat himself? And then wouldn't he know I'm crazy? That wouldn't be good. I really like him and need him on my side. I'm pretty sure he already thinks I'm crazy enough. He did call me "compulsive."

I've been taking folic acid supplements since May and I know that my body is probably perfectly capable of supporting a healthy pregnancy and nothing short of a biopsy of my uterus is going to convince me beyond a shadow of a doubt which I'm not willing to do because of the potential for scarring.

Anyway, as a result of my research, I decided that while four months is probably ok, 6 months is better. There are no greater chances of birth defects if you conceive between months 2 and 6 after MTX than at any time thereafter for isolated treatment (see this article) but there does seem to be a statistically greater chance of "spontaneous abortion." Which I don't want.

And really I don't mind waiting another month. The only concerns there are that I'll be a month older (big deal) and that somehow a tragedy will strike and DH will leave me or die (irrational) or that the HCG will come back up (which, if it does, I'll be glad I waited).

For whatever reason, I can't stop obsessing about my worries when I think about conceiving in early October - but then they all fly out the window if I come from a mindset of starting early November. Of COURSE I'd rather be PG sooner rather than later. But as The Wait gets closer and closer to its glorious conclusion, the more scared I get. Of pregnancy after a (probably) molar pregnancy and chemotherapy. I am scared out of my mind - not just for the usual reasons (m/c, that I'll have another mole) but that the cancer will come back or that the baby will be affected by the MTX or that I'll obsess about these things the whole 9 months and won't be able to be excited about the baby, just depressed and paralyzed by anxiety (which won't be good for the baby), and that I'll want to do CVS and then I'll worry about the CVS procedure causing a miscarriage - see how this all spirals out of control? As good as I thought it would be to be able to try sooner, the idea that I will just be able to let this all go for the small price of the inconvenience of waiting until November (or late October!) is too good to pass up. And I really will feel better about it. I'm quite sure. Irrational though it may be to think one month will make all the difference. I think this is it. I think I've finally made a decision. My ticker is counting down to Oct. 15 - the point when we will no longer have to use protection. Now I need to let it go, get excited, and move on with my life.