Why is it that all of our new-parent friends suddenly are all asking us to hang out lately? We have three invitations for labor day weekend already. And every time I get another one - usually via email or the occasional kid's birthday invitation, usually a youtube video or picture attached - I wince. My first thought is: how can I get out of this? I don't want to go. I'm angry that it's not me showing off my kid, imposing it on all my friends, subjecting them to hours of ooohing and ahhhing and pictures and fussing over MY baby, prioritizing my family, harboring their sense of legitimacy.
Oh wait, I guess it's not that all our new-parent friends are asking us to hang out, it's that all our friends are new parents. There's really no other option here. We have to hang out with them or we don't hang out with friends. The alternative is isolation. So I go, begrudgingly, bitterly, sometimes there are tears on the way home, especially if there's a new 'announcement,' made to the party. When will it be me? Will it ever be me? Two of the couples have one-yr-olds. Any minute there will be a sibling. We are going to get lapped soon if we don't act fast.
My parents came over this weekend. We were playing with the dogs and at one point when my dad was telling one of them to get off of his chair my mom said "you better get used to it, these are your grandchildren." I almost heard her add something that she didn't really say: "the only ones you're gonna get, apparently." I don't think she meant to imply this but I couldn't help but internalize a sense of failure. Utter failure. Disappointment.
My mom is always pointing out the flaws of the grandkids that have been born into our family - my cousin's kids. That one is really badly behaved, this one is totally bald or has a funny shaped head, they're terrible parents, totally out of touch, not good hosts. I know her well enough to know that these are things she tells herself because she feels personally like a bit of a failure for not having what her siblings and siblings-in-law have -- grandchildren. She's trying to make herself feel better by downgrading the situations of people who have more than she does - people who have those babies to love and dote on and fuss over and tell stories about and move across the country for and make things for and buy things for. It would be bad enough if I was the only one affected by IF. But I'm not, it's actually affecting my mother's self esteem. My dad too - recently one of his friends was telling him a story about his grandchildren and my dad was about to respond that he could relate because of something that happened with my dogs and then decided against it because it's just not the same. Now I love my dogs, but no kidding, it's not the same. Sorry dad, sorry I couldn't get you into the club either - I didn't realize there was one for grandparents but I probably should have known. I'll try harder next time.
I find myself doing a lot of the kids-dogs comparisons. My friends will be talking about their babies and it'll sound a lot like something I deal with with my dogs so out will come the comparison. Maybe they see it as sad, but I don't care. They're not so special, I can relate to having to be home at a certain time, having emergencies and priorities and worries and obligations and responsibilities and extra expenses. And no matter how much they know about my situation, they don't hold back on their constant banter about their babies. They've totally given up on any facade of sensitivity. Like "I know this has been the worst year of your life Astrid and that you've lost a baby, the thing you want most in this world, and then almost got cancer, but I don't care, I'm going to tell you all the details of my life with a baby because it is really so very important that it outweighs any need for sensitivity that you might have." On some level I'm somewhat relieved though that they aren't walking on eggshells around me. They are treating me like a normal average friend and I guess that's good. Too many reminders of what I don't have but at least I'm not being deluged with pity. And the closer I get to the end of The Wait, the more I feel like a normal, healthy woman. Ready to embark on my own journey towards parenthood, albeit one year late. I am ready to be optimistic again, ready to hope and plan and commit to 9 months of no alcohol and more bathroom breaks. Ready for the morning sickness and struggling to get enough sleep. The inevitable waits between HPTs and betas and u/s's seem like nothing compared to the wait I've been on since January.
I am less scared than I was a couple weeks ago. But the two months I have to go still seem very far away. I will be ready. And I have to admit, dear readers, that I still fantasize about starting in early October...but I'm leaving my ticker alone for now. I need to live one day at a time for a while and see how it all goes.
Next beta is tomorrow or tuesday and DH is getting back Wednesday. Should be an exciting week.
14 years ago
13 comments:
All I can really do is offer a hug. {hug}
((((HUGS)))))
Blessings!!
ICLW
I felt like I could have written this post. I think you're right that your friends are not walking on eggshells around you but sometimes it is hard to bear that mommies seem like they have nothing else to talk about. I am a mother now but I will always be sensitive to that. You never know what pain someone may be going through and it could be secondary infertility or a loss. There are other things to talk about in life. Well wishes to you. And I agree with you about the grandparent club. IF affects the loved ones in your life too. My mom would say, I just don't understand where the IF diagnoses came from. There is no family history of infertility.
i know what you're saying about going to things with lots of babies, it can be very hard. is it possible that your mom finds flaws with other people's grandchildren in an attempt to make you feel better? maybe sort of saying, they may have grandchildren now, but they're not as great as ours will be someday?
That happened to me too. I lost all my friends to parenthood. It wasn't intentional, but they got busy. Had more day events and kid oriented stuff. Soon we got invited less and less until not at all. It's sad but it was also awkward because though its cute at first to play with your friends kids, when the whole lot of them is together it just is so obvious that you are the outsider. At least with my friends it felt that way. Just very awkward.
Your friends are very insensitive but I've found the same happened with certain people I know too. I've learned to avoid them. What more can you do? I'm not sure if its right to avoid but I had to self protect.
I too am now at the point where all of our friends have kids. It sucks. And you're right, kids are like dogs. I've learned now to keep my mouth shut about making baby/dog comparisons because I either get a dirty look (As in, "how dare you compare my adorable baby to a dog.") or the sad look (as in you sad, sad, barren women.)
Whenever we have or go to get-togethers with our friends, it usually ends up with the parents grouping off and the singles grouping off. I hate to admit it, but after a while, I just get bored of watching the kids. I enjoy the parents as much as ever, still love them just as dearly, but I miss having conversations about anything OTHER than their kids. It's probably just me sulking 'cause I'm not in the "in club."
I feel you on the comments by your parents. My mom always buys my cats toys at Christmas and makes comments like "for the only granchildren I'm ever going to have apparently." Nice. I think all parents should have to go through an infertility etiquette class before their children are of child rearing age. Then maybe they wouldn't stick their feet in their mouths so many damn times.
*ICLW*
I went into "isolation" due to not having anything in common with the new parents at many events. I felt like I was being shunned because I wasn't in the club. Hopefully, we all will make it to that club one day.
(((HUGS)))
ICLW
I remember being where you are at. It was so hard, and it seemed like I was the only one who wasn't pregnant. I hope it happens for you soon, and when it does, I promise you that ALL of this will have been worth it.
ICLW
We've been lapped by several friends. And, since most of them were pregnant with their second when we lost our twins and it was just too hard - we, for the most part, chose isolation.
To try to compensate we started trying to do things like happy hour with (childless) coworkers more - you know, those people who are more acquaintences than friends. And, it's really funny to sit back and listen. Evey one of us is telling stories about our dogs the entire time. It's funny, in a sad way. But it's also comforting, and so that's the circle in which I chose to stay for now.
Thinking of you.
I feel bad that you are beating yourself up. This isn't your fault, and it is NOT an inadequacy on your part. You didn't chose this. When I was childless, I compared my dogs to other people's children as well. I thought it was funny how similar they were, and I still do. It IS hard to be around other couples with children. It hurts, but you don't want them to think you are overly sensitive. It feels like a no-win situation. Can you tell I've been there? lol All you can do is exactly what you're doing, and that is put on your strong facade and go out. You wait is almost over, and before you know it, you will be TTC, PG, and then a MOM.
P.S. I LOVE the blog pet. That is hilarious!
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