The Conversation

Against all odds, Dr. OBG called me. In person. I actually heard her voice on the other end of the line. The first thing she said to me was that I was being a "tough cookie" about her recommendations. I said I wasn't trying to be difficult, or to resist the plan, I only wanted to understand exactly what the plan is and where this wait time is coming from.

She began defiant, raising her voice and the whole bit. She told me the plan was agreed upon by she and Dr. GO and what didn't I understand? She insisted that she'd been very clear with me and accused me of not recalling conversations, etc. I calmly explained that no one had told me the plan, that quite to the contrary, she hadn't been clear - the target date for TTC had been changed, twice. And I recalled conversations I'd had with she and Dr. GO in excruciating detail to demonstrate that I did, in fact, recall those conversations quite well. Too well, I thought. I've lived and died by each one since January 2.

She called me obsessive in the detail I was "requiring," mentioned exactly how many messages I've left her (to which I responded, accurately, that 99% were just me asking to get my beta results) and asked if I "required" the precise citation for the study that she and Dr. GO were relying on to come up with The Wait. I responded rationally to each of her accusations and ultimately finished her rant by declaring that I didn't understand why I was being yelled at for asking for information. That got her. She didn't raise her voice after that and since I had successfully shot down all of her attacks, she started listening to me.

I told her that I operate best, with less anxiety, the more information I have. She said she understood, defended the prescribed wait by explaining that it wasn't necessarily textbook and that it covered anything that I could possibly have. She slipped and again accused me of being to blame for the hell I'm going through. She kept slinging the fact that DH and I tried again after my m/c sooner than we were supposed to at me, as a threat. Like "if you don't do what I say this time, anything that goes wrong will be your fault. Again." I responded that had I followed the directions, the result wouldn't have changed. She denied that, she just won't let this one go. She's convinced that there's a huge possibility that I had a second failed pregnancy and a "slow resolving second miscarriage." This is ridiculous for two reasons. 1) My HCG did not go down far enough, at any point until June, for me to ovulate and become pregnant again. 2) She insisted later in the conversation that her whole department agreed that my HCG levels were not typical, in any way, for any situation. So I assume that rules out "slow resolving second miscarriage?"

She insisted that December would be the last test. And then less than a minute later she insisted it would be January. I pointed out that even in the same conversation she was changing her story and that while a month may not be a big deal to her, it was huge to me. She apologized. Said that she had miscounted. And said that January is the end date. That she wished she could impart upon me the perspective that she and Dr. GO have on this and how it will ensure my future health. I get this. So I agreed, painful though it was, to go through six more monthly tests. I plan to test four weeks apart, six more times. Thus the small (but painful) change in my ticker.

I know some of my readers will think I'm crazy for following Dr. OBGs advice. For all the hell I have been through with her. But here's the thing. She is smart. There is no question. She went to the best schools and she has an immutable reputation in the field. And Dr. GO (the oncologist), who she insists is the origin of the plan and who I know wholeheartedly endorses it,* is the best around. These are objective facts. And today's conversation made me believe she does have my best interest in mind. I've said before that I will feel safe going with her advice. And notwithstanding that she thinks I'm certifiable, she is still interested in working together, she wants to get to a point where I am pregnant and spoke today about the point between HCG tests and the first u/s of a healthy pregnancy and how she didn't want me to carry this anxiety into that period, when it happens. She told me to start reading books about what to expect with a baby instead of journal articles about persistent HCG (I told her, between sobs, that I couldn't). And even though she has atrocious bedside manner in hard times, I know she will be effective in good times. It's like having a boss that you don't get along with, but who you know is the best in the world at what she does. And I don't need to be her best friend. I need to be safe. And healthy. And if I have complications in future pregnancies or the birthing process, I want to have the best around. Do I wish she "got" me and offered the information I need to hear rather than making me pry it out of her and then blaming me for being obsessive? Yes. But I believe this conversation brought us a step closer to that. She listened to me, eventually, and realized that I wasn't crazy. And ultimately, I felt like we made some headway towards seeing eye to eye. I believe she will be prepared next time, with information that I will undoubtedly ask for. She won't attack me in the way that she did today, she really got herself in check when I pointed out that she was yelling. She ultimately took me seriously. She mentioned that she is "always here" if I need her. I rolled my eyes but it wasn't lost on me that maybe this is a new start for her too. I challenged her to respond to my demands and she did. She's willing to go forward, knowing how I am and what I "require." She wants to make a baby happen for me notwithstanding my "obsession." And I want the best care. Simple as that.

*Turns out she was wrong, and my trust in her was misplaced. Dr. GO was not the origin of the plan, that was a lie. See this conversation with the oncologist for details.