"HCG Results Day" or "Could that snail move any slower?"

Results: still less than two. Awesome.



Instructions: test again in one week. HELL NO. This has gone on long enough. So I protested this time. I told automaton nurse lady that I had a question for Dr. OBG: Why are we still testing weekly if, almost TEN weeks ago now, Dr. OBG said we would test weekly for four more weeks and then go monthly? The answer was that Dr. OBG changed the plan. Simple as that. No explanation, no call back from Dr. OBG. Not even an acknowledgement that the plan had changed. I. am. done. with. her.

Friends, this weekly testing thing isn't just annoying anymore, it's actually getting difficult for the lab to draw my blood. My veins can't take this weekly shit anymore. Even perfect shot guy had to jab me twice yesterday. He actually said "I can feel the needle snagging on the scar tissue." This was his grotesque explanation of why no blood was coming out of what was formerly my best vein.

Enough, I say. This is getting ridiculous. So I've decided to make an appointment with Dr. GO. To discuss dates and facts and come up with a plan I can live with. None of this "changing our minds" crap. I am worried that he'll be predisposed to agree with and defend Dr. OBG and I know that that is a very good reason to get a second opinion outside the group, but I also feel like we are so knee deep in this quagmire that jumping ship right now would be more trouble than its worth. Plus, I trust Dr. GO (as opposed to Dr. OBG who I emphatically do NOT trust). So if I can get him to understand my concerns, I think he will be straight with me. He's reasonable. I like him. I think I will feel better after I talk with him, whatever the outcome. Here are the questions I plan to ask (after I lead with the story about Dr. OBG arbitrarily changing her mind about how long to do weekly testing - just to develop the historical background for him, lest he's forgotten)



1. What is the science behind these numbers? Why 7.5 months from when my HCG levels hit zero? Why not 12 months from zero? Why not six months from the last MTX shot (my first choice, btw). I think I can leverage this question into a shorter wait.



2. What, exactly, are we worried about here. I mean I get that we're concerned about an uptick in HCG. But the most they ever went up by themselves is SIX lousy points. Are we worried that they'll go back up by six points on their own? Is that why I can't start trying again until over a year past my miscarriage?!? Does that seem extreme to you Dr. GO?

Dr. GO will inevitably defer to Dr. OBG. I'm expecting that and I'm prepared for it. I will say something like "well, she's told me that she's deferring to you. She's told me on several occasions that she doesn't have experience with this, she's never seen it before, and she's moved the target around without explanation. I made this appointment because I really want to hear your opinion as to what I should do. And why."

I am going in there armed with all my dates and values and conversations I've documented. I am bound and determined to make this a productive meeting because I think it is taking the place of my second opinion appointment. I just don't have the hours between now and the end of the billable year to be spending my days waiting in waiting rooms for oncologists to come out of surgery. I want the visit to be an investment. And if I can get one of my doctors to be on my side - meaning: to talk to me, to understand and address my concerns - it will have been worth it. And I want to clarify, by wanting a doctor "on my side" I don't mean that I'll only be satisfied if I get The Wait shortened. I really just want some honest answers. If it turns out that Dr. GO has a litany of anecdotal or statistical evidence that I really should wait another year, so be it. My goal is not to get a certain plan out of him (though I will of course be thrilled if its a shorter plan), my goal is to stop feeling so angry and mistrustful and alone in this process. My goal is to invest the time in making sure my doctor knows me and my case well enough to make an informed decision on my treatment. I'm almost a year from when we started TTC and I still don't have that. So this is me, trying harder. And when this is all over and I don't need an oncologist's supervision anymore, I plan to switch to a different OBG. Maybe even a different group, like Ka!ser.

Anyone had any experience with IF or OBG at Ka!ser?

Finally, I wanted to note that when I called Dr. GO's office to make the appointment the receptionist said "Oh hi, Astrid. Is this your three month follow-up?" Huh? "No," I said, "Dr. GO didn't ask me to come in. I just want to talk about my treatment plan. But I guess that's a fair way to classify it." She said that sounded good.

It made me feel better to know that follow-ups are the norm here. I just wonder why no one mentioned it before. Whatever.

UPDATE:

The day just keeps getting better by the moment. I have this FB acquaintance who has gotten into the habit of using the status updates to write how her pregnancy is going. Every time. EVERY UPDATE is pregnancy-related. It's like, her "thing." Sometimes it's a complaint which I find particularly offensive, sometimes it's cutsey, sometimes its u/s pics. There are weekly updates and milestones, etc. With no regard whatsoever to how this might come accross to someone who is having trouble. It's like the thought of 'having trouble' has never entered her mind. Like she thinks she's somehow earned the attention by getting pregnant (again). And if I were a betting person, I'd bet a LOT judging by the size of her friend pool and the age of her friends that I am NOT the only one having trouble.

Today, the most obnoxious of all. "18 weeks, time for in-vitro education! Bet you're all glad I'm working from home today!" Through comments to this post I come to find out that she's trying to teach her babies (oh she's having twins, did I mention that?) pattern recognition. By playing patterns of sounds. Really?

I otherwise quite like(d) this person but I'm starting to want to ask her: have you ever heard of infertility? Could you not be a little more sensitive and a little less ignorant? Could you please refrain from turning the home pages of all of your FB friends into a shrine to your pregnancy? It's not her first one, she's pregnant with twins after having two prior healthy pregnancies. One of her updates lamented that her youngest was turning two and finished "thank goodness there are two more on the way!" Blech. Not happy for her. Not one iota. She is not the person I thought she was and that's disappointing. This IF/loss journey certainly is one of those experiences that teaches you who your friends are and casts peoples' intelligence (or lack thereof) in a whole different light.