The second coming

Rejoyce, rejoyce, for AF has arrived again! CD2 today of my SECOND cycle this year!! Almost on schedule. One and a half days late...which I'll take 'cause I know m/c's can really eff with your cycles for months to come and sometimes forever.

I did a little happy dance in the bathroom stall at work when I realized what was going on. I guess a watched pot does boil sometimes. I don't know how on earth I'm going to make it through five more months of this. The day and a half that AF was late almost killed me. And I started to worry the stress over not getting AF might make her delayed even more and it became a vicious spiral of self-destructive thoughts.

I actually don't think I'll be able to hold out until January if things keep going this well. Next month will be easy because it will be off the table anyway. DH has a sabbatical and will be gone for most of August. And then it will be Septmember. I still have that dentist appointment (with x-rays and probably novacain) to get through in Sept. so I'll be able to resist TTC then too. But after that I don't know that I'll be able to hold out. I will hopefully have been through a number of cycles, I'll feel like I've given my body enough time to clean out and recharge and if my betas haven't budged by then, it will be really hard to not TTC again...although it will be the holidays by then and like I've mentioned, I love a nice glass of wine.

But for every healthy cycle that goes by now, with the thrill of feeling like I'm normal again and that my elusive clean slate is actually in sight, comes the slap-in-the-face feeling that I've wasted another month. All I can tell myself is that now is not the time. And for each cycle that goes by, it's still a game of chance. Maybe I'm not wasting good eggs, maybe my body is still flushing out the messed up ones after having been on birth control for all of its life. I know that's silly, mostly - that's not how it works. But my point is that all the stars are going to have to align in order to make a healthy baby. There is no way to be sure that the cycles between now and the end of the year would have been successful, if only we could have tried. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe next month will be an unhealthy egg that would have caused another year of heartache and it's really some kind of cosmic gift to have been told to wait a few more months.

But I'm getting ahead of myself again - anything could happen between now and this fall. Anything.

I did hear from my insurance company. They're willing to cover a second opinion consult. So that's good news.