DH comes around

DH didn't think he was quite ready to become a dad last fall when we got our BFP. I have no doubt that he was ready, but he was unconvinced. This petrified me. I was so thankful to be pregnant because that meant DH's opinion on the matter was neither here nor there. He was locked in for the ride and I was sure he'd come around once he saw the baby squirming around in my tummy for the first time.

He was largely unaffected by the news of the miscarriage. Only worried about me and my grief. It was early and it's likely that I mistook his attempt to be strong for me as apathy, but nonetheless, I was affected by the fact that he didn't really experience a loss. Not the way I did. And more than once he alluded quite overtly that he hadn't been ready anyway and (brace yourselves) wasn't even sure he wanted kids. More than once I was reduced to tears over it. I took him SO seriously and felt so wounded. And wondered how on earth he could think he still had the liberty to make such a statement, having already knocked me up once. "It's too late," I wanted to say. We would have a kid by now, you can't go back, even though we lost it. You already made up your mind. We're having babies! PRONTO.

Part of my angst over The Wait used to be - what if DH really doesn't think he wants kids? Will it come out over the next several months? Or will I be able to keep it swept neatly under the rug until we can try again? Will he say it? Out loud? Will we even be able to try again after waiting and waiting and after all the misery and labs and dr. appointments I have been through? Will it all be for nothing because he has lingering doubts and decides to voice them?

This is a terrible thought and I'm not proud of it. Wanting to squelch any of his lingering doubts on the strength of my want, my need, alone. Shouldn't a healthy marriage entail respect for both partners' points of view? Shouldn't I be cognizant of the possibility that he really doesn't want kids? Shouldn't I be more concerned about a meeting of the minds than of my own biological clock? Maybe. But I've always been convinced that he has no idea what he's talking about when it comes to wanting kids. Of course he wants them. He may not know it, but once they arrive he won't understand why we waited so long. I am still convinced. But whether accurate or totally misguided, my convictions don't amount to a hill of beans unless he sees it too.

"Oh that's a guy thing, totally normal." "Typical response, he'll love kids." Friends would say these things. Close friends I confide this kind of concern in. And while they may be right, this too won't change his mind. He has to feel it himself. He has to know that he won't ever be 100% ready, and that that's ok.

And lately, dear readers, I am happy to report that I have witnessed a change of heart. I was right. He does want kids. I had a gut feeling. And my gut feelings are rarely wrong. But my particular DH requires a lot of patience. Note, for example, that I waited three years after meeting him for him to come around to the idea of even dating seriously. And another SIX before we got engaged. So it only makes sense that it would take a little while. I'm actually surprised (albeit relieved) that his pro-kid attitude has surfaced so quickly. Just six months after our wedding.

I had gotten into the habit of fishing for confirmation from him. Making sad faces whenever the subject of pregnancy or kids came up, just to hear him say: "we'll have our kids too honey, it's just going to take a little while....just have patience." And he's been saying it with more and more conviction such that lately, I don't even feel the need to fish.

I used to wish he would say something about how we wanted kids in front of my parents or in front of his relatives or good friends. Just so he'd be accountable. And lately, he's been saying it. Right out loud, "If we have kids...well, that's rather a when - when we have kids..."

And I used to be afraid of hanging around our friends' kids. Afraid he'd realize the harsh realities of parenthood and shy away even farther. But he's been exposed to more and more kids as our friends leave us in the dust and he's grown more and more approving, and even yearning, of the situation.

And yesterday, the icing. He came home after a week away and an evening with one of our friends' babies and said "I think I'm ready to be a dad." I almost cried again. (I cry a LOT lately.) And I couldn't help but dwell on how long we still have left and how iffy the whole situation seems right now. He assured me it's only a few more months and that he'd enjoy "practicing" in the meantime. He he. What a guy.

Does this help me be at peace with The Wait? Yes. It helps some. But countervailing the increased peace is an increased impatience at wanting to make him a dad. Wanting to see the joy and experience the good times. Now that he knows he wants it, I want to give that too him all the more urgently.

In any case, if something does happen to throw us off track again, it probably won't be the thing(s) I'm most worried about. Because isn't it the way of the world that what you really should have been worried about or prepared for never crossed your mind at all.