Thoughts on fist cycle back in the game: pre-verdict

I don't have a lot of hope for this cycle. I'm not sure why. Maybe the sluggishness of my temps... They finally rose considerably today, CD19, but it is daylight savings so that could explain part of it. This is the first cycle since...well since last October (hmm...that was a pregnant cycle...) that the pattern hasn't really screamed "ovulation detected!" Everything else really did go pretty close to ideally. I had all the right symptoms of O at all the right times (cramps, cm, etc.), DH and I BDed on the right days, I was really relaxed the week we were trying...or relaxed for me anyway, I kept my drinking to a minimum, I've been eating, um, well-ish.

I would love to think that because of all these things that my odds are somehow better than average. But my mind keeps going back to the statistic that even perfectly healthy couples having perfectly timed intercourse only have a 1/3 chance each cycle of getting knocked up. And even if one counts chemical pregnancies and pushes the odds of conception up to 50%...that doesn't give me comfort precisely because it counts chemical pregnancies...the odds of getting a healthy pregnancy out of all of this seem insurmountable.

If I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I am not really looking forward to a BFP. In fact, I think I'd feel more comforted by good ol AF. I'm scared of a positive pee stick. Ok, scared-excited, but still. I would not be jumping for joy at the sight of a second line because if AF = health then a BFP = uncertainty. Lack of reliability. Anything-could-happen territory. I could get sick again, I could need surgery again or more methotrexate, I could have cancer again, I could lose another baby. But it is the only way to get to an actual baby so I forge ahead. And then there's that standing order for HCG tests I have, that gives me some comfort because it means I can test that level ad nauseum when and if I get a BFP without having to go through the OBG department bureaucracy. Side realization: I am sooo the kind of girl who will rush out and get a doppler if I ever get that far.

Now that I've achieved the supremely exciting accomplishment of well-timed BDing, I need to decide when to test. As early as possible? Every day obsessively from 9DPO on? Wait 'til I miss a period? Wait for symptoms?

On one hand, I don't want to be the obsessive mess of emotions I have been over the past year. I want to move on from that state. I want to be "cool" about TTC. I don't want my world to revolve around this...but who am I kidding? It does, independent of my will for it to do so. And I do like to have more information rather than less. If I am "negative" 11 DPO I want to know. If it changes on 12DPO I want to know that too. I think. But maybe I don't... How am I supposed to decide what I want - what are the factors I should look too (oh god the lawyer in me is coming out)? Is it what will give me the most information, or is it how best to keep myself distracted from this TTC process (as if that were possible)? The "most information possible" approach has served me pretty well, I think, despite the stress. I noticed right away when my HCG didn't go down normally following my last pregnancy, possibly saving myself a tougher battle with cancer. I feel comfortable(ish) trying again before the magical 6 month mark because I did my homework and insisted on answers from my doctors. But is more information really better all the time?

I'm talking a difference of probably 3 or 4 days here between knowing and not knowing so this is not a monumental decision. But it is representative of an important internal debate I've had with myself for a year. I've never been good at pulling the wool over my own eyes. But then on average, has the way I've been doing things really worked for me? It's made me a compulsive, paranoid, anxious perfectionist. Or is the causal effect the other way around? Am I insistent on information because of these personality traits. Is it inevitable?

Since this particular decision is a simple one, it has a simple answer - I will try to wait until CD 30. It's hard to tell when I Oed from my misshapen chart so I don't have a reliable DPO count. My ticker is showing the most conservative (latest-in-the-month) estimate of when I probably did O. I should be expecting AF around CD30 so it's an apt time to test. But ever since one of my co-workers got pg and had a normal period that cycle notwithstanding the healthy pregnancy, I haven't been able to trust that AF means the show is over so there's really no point in me waiting for AF. So I've got about 10 days to go. No problem right?

Anyway, here's an age old question I'd like to pose to this particular community: what are peoples' thoughts about drinking in the 2WW?