No really, it's not happening this cycle

UPDATED

I've tested negative every day since the last post. If I O'ed the very latest possible day today would be CD 12 and the end of my LP. I feel AF coming on and today my temp dropped. I told DH about the negative tests. I indulged in some wine last night and am going out for drinks with the girls tonight. I plan to go running this weekend. All those things we return to after a failed cycle, idiosyncratic or not, I'm starting to reclaim them.

DH went into horribly insensitive mode while we were walking the dogs yesterday:

DH: "If we have kids, does that mean we can't move back to [his native country] and retire until we're FIFTY?.....or SIXTY?!?"

Me: [thinking 'omg, he did NOT just say IF we have kids did he?' But he had. And who retires before they're FIFTY or SIXTY anyway?] Well, yeah, not permanently...or maybe we could go sooner we'll take 'em with us [knowing full well what the odds of that happening are]." See, I'm not really as married to the idea of moving to a foreign land until we're good and ready to retire and have money to travel back frequently to visit family.

DH: "Why don't we just have one kid, then we'll have money for stuff."

Me: [I just want to cry at this point, why is he doing this now? Doesn't he know how this kind of non chalant, 'kids are such an inconvenience' talk hurts, ESPECIALLY when I'm in the midst of a difficult time or bad news and especially when we're about to embark on another cycle (knock on wood) - I don't want to spend the next month stressing about his enthusiasm and commitment, I need to be able to rely on him. This process is stressful enough when both partners are fully committed and enthused. I do not deserve to carry the burden of both TTC AND his periodic lack of interest. How can he do this?] "You said you wanted to have lots of babies with me...the other day you said lots of beautiful babies...remember?"

DH: "That's only if I can stay home and raise them."

This is his thing. He doesn't want to work anymore. He wants to be a stay-at-home dad. He reminds me of this every day. I wouldn't mind having someone at home cleaning up after my life, but I don't feel like I love my job enough to put that kind of pressure on myself.

I cried when we got home. I blame the hormones and the disappointment of the cycle and I have to admit, I wanted DH to know how upset I was so I did nothing to stem the emotional tide. He asked what was wrong and what happened and I told him how frustrating this all was, this whole year, and how important our babies were to me and how I hated when he talked about it like it was an inconvenience. He did the 180 that I needed him to do and held me and said not to worry, that he was sure it would happen soon. "Don't worry, we'll have our babies." On the issue of one or two kids he said "you didn't know you wanted two dogs right away did you? You had to get one and see how it went before we got the other..." But I'm sure I want two kids. I wouldn't be devastated if we only ended up with one, I would feel blessed and lucky and would never take it for granted. But I'd really like two, ideally. I think DH underestimates my certainty on this.

Anyway, I'm waiting on AF now. I am so eager to see her by this point. To know that even if this cycle didn't progress in an ideal fashion, at least it progressed normally and that we'll be ready to go again shortly. That's all I want now.

UPDATE: She's here! I'm relieved. New cycle, new hope. Beta on the 20th.