The uninvited comments begin...

I forget sometimes how small and insulated my universe is. I work at a mid-size law firm in a group of about 20 people. The attorneys at the firm are really sharp. Most use utmost discretion at all times and the majority are pretty reserved. I don't do litigation or deals, our practice is transactional, research-based, kind of 'quiet' and there are just not a lot of crazies or loose cannons that I run into on a daily basis. Our friends are similarly intelligent, well-mannered, mature people. Our families are sensitive and socially adept. When DH finally told his sister about the pregnancy she called me and at one point apologized for pressuring us about having kids. I couldn't think of one time she pressured us to have kids. She has always been very non-pressuring, in fact. Qualifying her statements by saying things like "if you decide to have kids..." Etc. And yet, she is so thoughtful and understanding that she apologizes for inflicting pressure that she didn't even really inflict. My point is that I'm not used to or very practiced at deflecting comments of insensitive, opinionated, close-minded morons. So I guess its unsurprising how shocked I get when I find myself in an exchange with such a person.

I am entering a new world. A world where people I've never even met feel like they have carte blanch to spew rude comments, polarizing opinions, and insensitive remarks about my 'condition' and my choices. Such a person approached me today. She's a woman in my office whose name I didn't know. I don't work with her and I doubt she knows who I am either. What I do know from running into her on my floor is that she's uppity and rude on a regular basis, but it's never really gotten personal or in my way at all. Today I ran into her in the bathroom and she says "soooo...it looks like you're expecting." What? How does she know? "I am!" I said cheerfully. Excited that someone noticed, although suspicious...maybe someone told her. Despite my distaste for her, I see no reason not to be civil in the workplace so I continued in a really cheerful tone to avoid sounding accusatory (but I had to know) "Did you hear from someone, or am I just looking..." "You were just looking puffy the other day." ??? Who says that? Well, in the first place, who asks someone who's 18 weeks and not really even showing if they're pregnant? And then who says that? And, may I add, this woman is at least 200lbs. I had to bite my tongue to keep from responding "Oh, well in that case, are you expecting too?" She's clearly past 55, btw.



"You must be excited." She said. "I am. I couldn't be happier, everything is going really well..." and I expected her to then ask about morning sickness or did I know the gender or any of the usual questions which I welcome and instead she says in a serious tone and literally looking down her nose at me as if she's quizzing me: "What are your plans for the future?" I figured she was asking whether I was coming back to work. "I'm definitely coming back after my leave," I said, as cheerfully as ever. And in response she gave me the biggest look of disappointment and disdain and huffed and puffed, "Ugh, oh, mpf" like I had just slapped the faces of all the women and children of the earth. Wrong answer I guess. For some reason I could tell from her expression of exasperation, even before she spoke again, that she was not huffing and puffing in commiseration with me having to return to work. I knew from her tone, her body language, looking down at the floor and shaking her head, that she was disappointed in my answer. She was judging me. It really was the wrong answer and I clearly needed counseling on the topic.

First - rude. Just rude. BITCH. who does she think she is for assuming that I have a choice and then judging me for choosing to be a working mom? For all she knows I'm single and don't really have an option or I have a mortgage (which happens to be the case) and she still had the nerve to pass judgment about my choice to work. Second, she is clearly so thick-headed that she assumed it was the end of the world for my child without thinking that maybe the father or my partner or someone else like my parents would be home with the kids. For all she knows I am at the top of my game in my career and love my job. I tried to placate the situation by mentioning that DH wanted to stay home. I said it kind of jokingly, like "as if" because I don't think we can swing it financially (not because it's a bad idea in general - I really wish it was an option). But she latched on to that in all seriousness and told me how important it is for a child to have a parent at home. When I raised the financial objection she insisted that kids don't need much, if DH doesn't like his job he could be at home and think about what he does want to do or reenter his current career later if he wants. Everything is so simple in close-minded world, apparently. And she was persistent. She just kept talking about it like it was her new project. I went back to my office at the soonest opportunity I think she was still babbling about arranging my life for me as I walked away, I have a feeling it's not over. It sounded like she was making it her mission in life to make sure I didn't make the "wrong" decision about my child's upbringing.

I hate people like that. Close-minded, judgmental, stupidly and stubbornly bold, care more about opining on your actions than actually spending the time to figure out who you are and what your circumstances are. She probably said more words to me today than she has in the past 2.5 years since I started working here, combined. Why all of the sudden does she think I care what she thinks about my life choices?

The thing is, I know this is the tip of the iceberg. I've been warned by friends that the nitpicking and naysaying and butting in does not stop. It will get worse.

I'm not bothered by what she said, just shocked that someone had the nerve. And sad that the first time someone actually recognized me as pregnant without having been told - which should be an exciting thing - was this particular exchange.