100 days

To commemorate wordless wednesday and 100 days until baby's EDD, here's a first-ever picture of me on this blog at 25 weeks and a couple days.





And now a not so wordless mish mash of things:

1. The irises in my profile picture are in front of my house and they've bloomed again. It's a little over a year from the first time I took that picture when the most symbolic thing about it was the brick wall. I was recovering from my miscarriage and still hadn't realized the extent of the molar pregnancy problem. I had just gotten married and was realizing what life would be like for me over the next year without the baby we had so hoped for. I noticed the flowers again recently and instead of being a symbol of renewal or beauty, they almost haunted me. I SO want things to be different this time.


2. DH and I decided on a name for the baby, for all intents and purposes. I mean we're not announcing it to anyone so theoretically it could still change, but we've had long and sometimes heated discussions about it and finally settled on first and middle and I doubt either one of us would invite the other back into the debate. I love it. I'm excited about it. But I still haven't been calling him by it. Partly because I wonder if it will change and partly because it feels premature. Because I'm finding it difficult to bond with him after the CPC. I already feel like a horrible mother because of it and am pretty sure the feelings of reservation will wash away instantly when I see him. And hopefully before that. Every time I notice his kick getting stronger he gets more and more real and more and more my baby.

3. I sent my doppler back. Lest you think I have just made some grand step off the paranoia train, I should point out that it was only because I am now the proud owner of a cheepie Ange!S0unds doppler. Buying that was cheaper than renting the one I had for even another month and since I'm far enough along that the hb should be easy to detect (and that I won't freak out if I can't find it because he's moving so much), I decided to invest the $35 and say goodbye to my trusty old superexpensive standby. Has anyone used the AS doppler? I noticed when I received it that it was made in Ch1na and even the instructions were in broken english so I started wondering about quality/safety....any stories on this are greatly appreciated.

4. DH has decided that it is his opinion that I should have TWO baby showers. He thinks we need a whole separate one for his big fat greek family and my friends/family can be at the second one. I get this - I'm not sure how we're going to find or afford the space for the whole invite list (he hates leaving anyone out and his list is starting to look like our wedding guest list), but frankly, and this was my response to him, I don't think I can do two. Not because I will be 37 weeks and exhausted and no-doubt uncomfortable, but because I don't even think I can get through one. At no time during my pregnancy has my excitement for a babyshower outshone my fear of one. In the first half it was miscarriage, IC, etc. and now in light of the CPC it's the prospect of a severe chromosomal problem. Losing the baby close to the due date. I could barely sit and think about the invite list and still haven't forwarded it off to my mom who's graciously offered to host. I'm too scared.

Maybe by 37 weeks the fear will have dissipated. The chances of anything being wrong will be even smaller by then. If everything is is still on track outwardly, maybe I will be more prepared. But I have this secret perverse hope that I develop something (non-super-serious) that requires a c-section at 37 weeks or something else that will interfere with the baby shower (but not interfere with the health of me or the baby of course - one can dream can't they?) and force me to put it off until the baby is here, safe and sound. Mostly I perversely hope for that because I can barely make it through each day 'not knowing' and the sooner I meet the little guy the better - the sooner after the 37 week mark of course. Certainly not before. A post-birth shower almost seems the way to go...although there are so many practical reasons to have one before the baby arrives... the verdict is still out on this one.

5. I'm getting Braxton Hicks contractions. ! I've been getting them for weeks but I've only just realized what they were. Does it seem early to be getting these? Friends of mine say they didn't get them 'til later but I read somewhere that they start as early as six weeks, it just takes a while to feel them. Also, I'm not sure what they mean. I know they're 'normal' but does it mean I'm dehydrated? Do I need to do anything? Is having 3-4 a day still 'normal'? Tia.