Twenty Six Weeks

How far along? 26w2d

Maternity clothes? All maternity bottoms, getting to be that way with the tops too. I finally had to buy bra extenders and those arrived this week. Along with my first nursing bra which turns out to be far more comfortable than any of my regular bras right now. Nursing bras are one of those things that when you get one it stops you dead in your tracks with the stark reminder that pregnancy isn't just all about pregnancy - there will be a baby at the other end of this. Still blows my mind.

Stretch marks? light ones on my bbs which have not gotten worse since their debut last month, my belly still looks great. I'm applying the belli oil every time I get out of the shower.

Sleep? I can't get enough. Fortunately it's still easy for me to sleep. I love it and am enjoying it while I can.

Best moment this week? Re-reading my first tri screening results and realizing that my t18 risk is not 1/100,000, it's "less than" 1/100,000. My DS risk is stated simply as "1/32,000" so I find this "less than" business attached to the t18 risk significant. Every little bit helps, right? Also, I think I've just about reached the end of the internet on the CPC issue and one day this week, I just didn't google. Amazing. I really believe that I have read every last word on the subject that there is posted on the internet over the last six weeks. Message boards and blogs, medical group handouts from everywhere around the globe, journal articles, scientific papers, and not so scientific musings. I just had this sense of calm wash over me yesterday knowing that I had reached the end. It's almost like I'm getting bored with it (probably not quite as bored as my readers are - sorry) I research for a living so I'm fairly comfortable that I've seen pretty much everything that there is to see. Am I still worried out of my mind? Yes. Am I more at peace with the idea that what will be will be and that there is just not a damn thing I can do about it? Yes to that too. And obsessive though it sounds, I don't regret all the googling on this one. I have a better sense of perspective. I could have done without the first hand accounts of women having CPCs identified at 20 weeks and everyone telling them not to worry, only to have a stillborn baby at 35 weeks or to discover T18 at birth. But there were only 2-3 like that (one of whom had a baby measuring a full month behind and another who didn't mention why her baby was stillborn - i.e. just maybe it wasn't T18) among hundreds, probably thousands of good stories which suggests that when someone has a CPC found, they do freak out. They go online. They post questions and follow up results, they are comforted by various things like the fact of the CPC disappearing (which doesn't actually reduce your risk - once a CPC is seen, it's seen, they all disappear eventually) or an AFP test (one thing that has comforted me through this is realizing how accurate the first trimester screening is for catching T18) or a level II ultrasound (my searching has even somewhat vindicated my decision not to push for this as there were several stories of women who had a CPC which was gone by the level II only to find a dilated kidney or EIF and be pressured to do an amnio, which of course, came back negative). What struck me is that basically zero percent of the women freaking out about this ended up with a T18 baby. I was trying to figure out where the T18 parents were - T18 babies have these cysts after all, up to 50% of them (!) and I was pleasantly surprised NOT to find anything like the following: comment 1: "oh I found that on my 19 week ultrasound and it turned out to be nothing I have a perfectly normal and active 20 month old" comment 2: "they found this at 20 weeks on my baby, told me not to worry, and then my baby did have T18." That never happened on any message board. All I can conclude is that parents of T18 babies really do have more signs and warnings and may go through with the amnio before having time to consult Dr. Google and establish an account on B@by Center or may get online with their multiple markers and leave and respond to comments about more grave findings. I realize that the perspective that can be found on google is limited, but I've found it to be of some help in this case. And, as I've pointed out, the takehome here is not that I'm suddenly 'over it' - I just feel the obsession passing over me finally.

Worst moment? Reading those 2-3 stories where there was something wrong with the baby. When I entered this community in the midst of discovering that my m/c 2 months prior had been a molar pregnancy, I thought I had been through it all. I figured I was one of the ones who knew too much, who knew ALL of the possible bad that could happen and therefore dutifully didn't take anything for granted. I didn't realize how naiive and ignorant I still was. I think it's really a continuum. You are not 'blissfully ignorant' OR 'totally enlightened as to the trials of those in the IF and loss community,' you are somewhere in between. There is always more bad to learn so to speak. I used to think I knew what the worst thing that could happen was. And then I experienced more and learned more and now it seems I had no idea. And probably still don't.

Movement? I feel him 2-3 times a day. Early AM, after lunch, and sometimes in the evening. The little guy is definitely working out a schedule and I feel him more and more which is encouraging. DH finally saw him move last night. Well he saw the little spastic jolt in my belly that was one of the baby's tiny kicks. I was SO excited that he caught it this time. DH thought it was cool but was kind of nonplussed, or at least not as plussed (is that a word?) as I was to have him see it. Guys can be so weird about pregnancy. I found myself wondering if it kind of grossed him out - what is a person doing in your belly?!? He gets weirded out by ultrasounds too and all the testing that's available. I wonder how he's going to react when the baby really starts moving my belly around from the inside.

Food cravings? Same as always: Chocolate. Big time. Anything with cheese. Pizza. I've been trying to eat better - whole grain snacks instead of chocolate, I ate an actual banana yesterday instead of a rice crispy treat. Trying to keep an eye on protein (harder for a vegetarian). It's a process.

Gender? It's a boy! As far as we know.

What I miss? Wine. Not having to pee every 7 minutes (although I do get about 25% of my exercise from walking back and forth to the bathroom at work). Not having the CPC weighing so heavily on my mind.

What I look forward to: Just meeting him.

Weekly Wisdom: Whatever will be will be.

Milestones: The crib and dresser arrived along with the last of the nursery decorations/bedding I had ordered! Everything is still in its respective box, I'm taking baby steps. The only thing still missing is the changing table. I still have to do some cleaning out of the guest rooms before I can start the fun decorating portion. I'll probably try to make some headway on that this weekend.

Emotions: All over the place. I cried in the middle of a discussion about my shower with DH. It was when he was pressuring me to have two of them in order to accommodate everyone we want to invite in one house. There's just no way, I told him. He acted like I was being selfish, not thinking of the baby or the family, and then he said something that really stung - he said 'you act like you've changed your mind and don't even want a baby, or like you're having a monster or something instead of a baby.' That killed me because it demonstrated to me that he clearly doesn't understand (a) how in love with my baby I am or (b) how upset and scared I am. I'm upset and scared because I love my baby and don't want him to suffer. It's hard for me to enjoy wild extravagant outpourings of attention and joy because I am in a more anxious and apprehensive state than I have been in a long while. I tried to explain this to him for the zillionth time, but he has a point too (even if he didn't exactly express it the right way). I need to be more positive for our baby, I need to stop hedging and qualifying every thought and comment I have about the pregnancy, especially since no one else seems to think there's anything wrong - even the ones that know all the facts. I am trying. Coming back to the blog after a couple-week hiatus, resuming my weekly check-ins, taking belly shots, ordering nursery furniture - all of these things have taken more emotional effort than they would have pre-cpc, but I am making progress.