Twenty Weeks

How far along? 20w3d

Maternity clothes? Still just the bottoms. Can't fill out the tops yet, not really even close.

Stretch marks? Not yet. I got my Bell! elasticity belly oil this week and started using it. I love it. It's really light and absorbs well for an oil. Super strong lavender smell and makes your skin feel like silk...and I have pretty dry skin. It feels amazing. Whether it will work for its intended purpose obviously remains to be seen. I hear you guys that stretchmarks are hereditary, and thus inevitable no matter how much you prepare for them...but how 'come celebrities (almost) always get away with having none? I guess it could be the laser surgery or painstakingly monitoring their weight gain...

Sleep? Fine lately, no complaints.

Best moment this week? There were a few:

• A couple people have started commenting that I'm "carrying it well" - that's sweet and fills me with glee because it means that I look pregnant. Which must mean that I am pregnant. Which I still have trouble comprehending most days. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. However, it also dawns on me during these moments that of course I'm carrying it well right now. I'm a mere 20 weeks and barely showing. Just wait til around 40 and then see how awkward I look.
• I am starting to feel the little guy - and know that it's him. It's out of control - the coolest feeling in the world, but at the same time, if I'm being honest, pretty weird. Like there's a whole other person in my belly. Which I suppose is because there is. It's amazing. I love the reassurance of feeling those little blips (usually they feel like air bubbles, sometimes more 'slithery' - i know that's not as romantic a word as 'flutters' but hey, I'm calling it like I see it) and have been using the doppler less. He doesn't have a definite routine yet but I guess that's to be expected.
• We went to visit DH's giant greek family for Easter and they were so thrilled for us. I wasn't expecting this but a couple of them got us congratulatory gifts. A pot of purple tulips with a big blue bow, a little outfit with a matching bear rattle, and a elephant stuffed animal with rattles and teething rings and crinkly ears attached. A. Dorable. All of it. I couldn't believe it. I haven't gotten the little guy a single thing. It still feels to early. But the gifts made it seem real. I have a little blue quilted pj set for a little baby boy sitting in my hall closet. For a particular someone. It's amazing to think he might actually be in that little outfit someday soon.
• Going four days without zofran. I think I may be emerging from morning sickness. Knock on wood. Better late than never. Knock on wood again.

Worst moment? I am finally shaking the pregnancy obsessions. Sure I still wash my hands like I have OCD and avoid food that isn't super fresh and clean and I'm really careful about not hanging out with sick people and driving really defensively, but I have stopped getting depressed about other things that could go wrong like IC, cord accidents, etc. (This all sounds like a good thing, right? read on). In other words, I have let go of things I can't control, to an extent. Or so I thought. But this week I realized I really have just moved on to worrying about things going wrong after the baby is born. Even things I can't control. Like autism. I should have seen this coming. One of my mom's cousin's kids has a spectrum disorder. He's the firstborn of two boys and the second is typical. He is super high-functioning and qualifies as a genius - like the B!ll Gates kind of autism. But still, there you have it. He has all the issues with socialization, making eye contact, speaking in a monotone, somewhat antisocial. He's a professor at a prominent university, but I've watched one of his lectures and read his reviews by students and the signs are undeniable. And I know from doing some research that having such a distant relative with autism doesn't really increase your chances of having an autistic child. They've done studies on this and even the risk of recurrence in first cousins is .12%. These kinds of studies are how they know it's not caused by just one gene. But I can't help but wonder about things like my mom having a stutter as a kid and myself being anxiety-prone (these kinds of things tend to show up more in families with autistic members, moreso if it's full blown ocd or turrets or epilepsy which no one in my family has)...my parents didn't have boys and my mom's parents didn't have boys so although everyone in that family seems 'typical' it's hard to say our line is 'autism free.' I do have a male first cousin on my mom's side who's fine. The bottomline is that I worry about this kind of thing and it wears on me.

Movement? Yes! Yay! I can finally feel the little guy for sure and it's like we just opened up a new line of communication. Like a new reminder that he's real and that he's doing good.

Food cravings? Same: Chocolate. Big time. Anything with cheese. Pizza still is a big draw.

Gender? It's a boy! I hope the tech was right because now we're starting to get little blue things! Although we're planning a gender-neutral nursery. More on that in another post.

What I miss? Wine at family gatherings. Easter was a little brutal without it. I also miss not getting rude but predictable comments about how I should eat meat now that I'm pregnant. I am a vegetarian because I love animals. I can't bear the thought of killing or eating them. And I am so tired of people thinking it's a perfectly rational idea to just eat meat for the heck of it and saying stoopid things that they think are clever like "someone's got to eat it," or "but I bet the baby wants a nice NY steak!" I'm being plenty careful about my protein and iron intake, thankyouverymuch, and I'm tired of making excuses or pretending not to be offended by ignorant remarks.

What I look forward to: Reorganizing our two vacant rooms - one for the baby and the other will be a study. Right now they both look like storage rooms and I can't stand it.

Weekly Wisdom: I don't think I'm going to get away with naming this baby anything other than a greek name from the old country. Certainly narrows my choices. Fortunately there are a couple I like.

Milestones: Feeling the movement. Getting a little outfit for the baby.

Emotions: Emotional. I cried at the true-life hollywood story of Kendr@ W!lk!nson. Sad about how worried I get. I've really been leaning on DH for support lately, despite my typical independent persona. He's been a rock through all of my paranoia and anxiety and lately it's really hit home how lucky I am.