Twenty Four Weeks

How far along? 24w0d

Maternity clothes? Yes, mostly bottoms but starting to integrate tops. That said, I can't believe how many of my 'regular' tops work just fine with this belly. I wonder if I'll ever want to wear them after the pregnancy or if they've been branded forever as 'maternity clothes' in my fashion psyche. One of my friends told me "Astrid, you won't want to look at those clothes once you're done with this pregnancy. I gave all mine away as soon as Ali (her second) was born." referring to non-maternity wear that's wearable during pregnancy. She had a hard pregnancy, T21 scare (apparently the state called her to encourage her to get an amnio, which she refused, and more than one medical professional discussed 'termination' with her despite her choice to CTT regardless) + preeclampsia, so I can see where she's coming from but difficult though this pregnancy has been for me, I don't think I could ever look back on it with the disgust that she seemed to harbor for her own first pregnancy.


Stretch marks? Ew yes, but on my bbs, not my belly. And they're pretty faint. I'm just sad because the real growth stage has only just begun and it's now clear that I'm not one of the lucky few who are 'immune' to stretch marks. I've been applying my belly oil religiously to ALL of my, um, curves, and I'm sad that it didn't prevent the marks on the girls but my belly still looks good. Maybe I started using it too late... Maybe stretch marks are just inevitable.

Sleep? Fine lately, no complaints other than I want more! But I blame that on work, not the baby.

Best moment this week? It's been a tough couple of weeks for me so I have to say the best thing about this week was that I was really busy at work. Lots of opportunity for distraction.

Worst moment? There were quite a few spent worrying about T18 and CPCs and reading up and it all just makes me so sad and scared. Also, now that I feel him kicking, I get really worried on days when he's 'taking it easy.'

Movement? I definitely feel him. I have been trying to discern a pattern and really I guess he doesn't move that much. I feel him being pretty active only about once or twice a day. The rest of the day it's like he's not even there. Sometimes he gets more active when I eat or drink something, sometimes not. Not sure if this is all normal or how much of it is because it's still early-ish or his personality... I haven't found that one sure thing that will make him move when I'm getting worried, so once again, thank god for the doppler.

Food cravings? Same as always: Chocolate. Big time. Anything with cheese. Pizza.

Gender? It's a boy! As far as we know. Still buying (and registering for) neutral things whenever possible so even if we're surprised, I think we'll manage. We'll just have a very sporty-looking little girl.

What I miss? Wine. Real beer (I've indulged in a few o'douls this trimester - not.the.same.). Running - I've started to miss good hard workouts. Since I was out of commission due to morning sickness for the first 4-5 months I didn't want to risk going back to the gym once I started to feel better because after that much time off I'd essentially be 'starting a new workout program' which I think is not a good idea during pregnancy. I don't have a heartrate monitor or anything. So I walk about an hour a day and that keeps my metabolism high enough and my weight under control (and my dogs happy!) so I've decided that's enough. But once in a while I have an urge to break into a sprint.

What I look forward to: Just meeting him. I have this mental block preventing me from enjoying everything else. And it's not even that I'm just not enjoying filling out my registry and opening packages from pottery barn, I actually sort of dread it. I wish I could put it off until he's here. Safe. I wish I could put it all out of my head to be perfectly honest. The whole pregnancy. That might sound ungrateful, but it's not that. It's just fear. Same with my shower. Same with the classes. Why am I doing all of this prep if I don't know that he's going to be ok?? The obvious answer is that no one ever knows and it's best to be prepared and the more desperate 'well someday you want to have a baby right? Even if this one doesn't make it.' And that's just the way it goes. So every time I get to one of those things I would have been looking forward to pre-CPC I just have these haunting flash-forwards telling me I better be careful about my expectations getting out of hand. What if you enjoy this time and then look back on it and think 'what was I thinking, how could I be so stupid as to think I could be so lucky as to need this outfit or this quilt?' I have a feeling many IFers can relate to balking at clipping the tags and throwing things in the laundry. I just feel like I was given an extra dose of it at a point where the clouds would have otherwise started to part. Therefore, it seems, the only thing I really look forward to now is meeting my baby. Knowing for sure and holding him close.

Weekly Wisdom: This is from V. She has been sympathetic about my depression over the CPC and yesterday mentioned that although the only thing I'm looking forward to is meeting him, knowing, (see above) it really won't stop when he's born. There are more things to worry about. She pointed a couple out, like SIDS. This probably seems like a really depressing conversation (and kind of an obvious concept) but it gave me some relief. I think I respond well to the hard-love approach. The universe of things to worry about is so vast that even an expert worrier like me can't possibly comprehend them all and keep hem in my mind, paying each one due attention and stress. To be reminded of this helps me give up on worrying. Helps me be a little more present and to let go a little of the tight grip I think I have on control. It helps me hone the attitude that I need to just live each day for what it is, know that I love my baby no matter what, and that DH and I and my family will deal with whatever happens as it happens and that that is all we can do.

Milestones: Viability.

Wow. I never thought I'd get this far. It's so amazing to think he could survive birth at this point. And comforting to know the doctors would try to help him and not just me should something happen.


Emotions: Suffice it to say my mind is still pretty fixated on the possibility, however remote, of a tragic outcome and it makes me feel like the tears are just at the surface sometimes. On the other hand, I've stopped worrying obsessively about everything else so that's good. But this is not the way I would have chosen things to go, that's for sure. I haven't cried in about 4 or 5 days which is a record for me these days. I think it's progress. I think I will make it to August.