Thirty Five Weeks

I spent all week wearing even looser clothes, doing pelvic tilts and poses with my butt up in the air, trying to get my ute as far away from my body as possible, trying to get the LO to tuck his head under and turn around. I paid close attention to where I was feeling hiccups (consistently in my crotch) and where the heartbeat was clearest (right above the pelvic bone, every time). I was sure these were signs that he'd turned head-down. That last week was just a fluke. That we'd just caught him on a particularly playful day.

"Did he move?" My obg asked, right when she came in.

Just that should have been enough to crush my hope. I didn't know it at the time but it became clear later that she was suggesting that it would have been obvious if he had moved. "I don't know," I said naively, "he's been moving, I've been doing the exercises, but I still feel a suspicious bulge where his head was last week, so I don't know." She frowned at that.

She got the u/s out and the baby is still head up. I am now convinced that he's been that way for a while and that my obg was wrong when she thought she felt his head down where it was supposed to be at 30 and 32 weeks. Everything I've felt for the last week, every bulge and kick and hiccup, the way my ribs get sore when I sleep on my right side (because his head is resting on them), has been exactly the way it's been for at least a month, maybe two - ever since I could really feel him up in my ribs and feel stationary bulges that represent his head or butt. He's not 'still just moving around' as I had hoped. He's just stubbornly breech.

My obg said: "keep doing those pelvic tilts! you gotta believe!"

I don't believe. I'd love to be pleasantly surprised, but at almost 36 weeks it would take a monumental shift for him to get into proper position. I know it's possible and happens all the time, and I know babies have this instinct, but I'm just saying, the way things usually work out for me is that I end up in that 1-2% and I don't know why this would be any different. At this point I've sort of given up in a lot of ways. I feel kind of numb. Powerless. In a 'whatever will be will be' sort of way but without the optimism. Hope yes. Hope that he will be healthy. That's all I care about. I don't care about an impending c-section, I don't care what they do to me. I just want to hear my baby cry whenever and however he emerges and to hold him in my arms and take him home to start our new lives together as a family.

My obg pointed out that my baby was swallowing fluid and we watched a few hiccups. She remarked that these were healthy neurological functions. This is the very first time she has even made an attempt to put my mind at ease about my baby with a concrete example of well-being. This is the first time she noted one of his characteristics and said - see that? That suggests he's healthy. And I appreciated it. But he had his little fist closed throughout the scan, which was only a couple minutes. For some reason I think I could let go of all of this if I had just seen that little hand open. I asked her if she could tell if the cyst had resolved. She checked out his brain and said she thought so. But I have SO run out of trust in her, I don't know why I even asked. I have this gut feeling that she has no idea.

My obg, who, may I remind you, told me last week that she'd "be there" for me "every step of the way" as I was breaking down in tears over the breech finding, is not only not going to "be there" for me throughout the month of August but is also not going to be there next week. So I asked which Dr's would be there next week and I got one that I don't think I will like very much per my obg's assistant's remarks. Next week seems kind of important. I'd expect we'd need to actually schedule the c-section around then. It would be nice to have some assurance that she will at least see that that happens. It's kind of scary when you know the safest way to deliver is by c-section. There goes the option of delivering in an elevator or a car - I mean of course those are not ideal but women have done it in a bind. Scary to think that I'm now on the surgeon's clock. I know I know people deliver breech babies vaginally, and some would argue it's just as safe as a c/s, but based on what I know, which is admittedly little, I am not convinced and definitely wouldn't want to risk it.

I also asked my obg who she'd recommend for the c-section since she won't "be there" for that and she went off about one of the doctors who started off as her intern and who she's been friends with for umpteen thousand years and how they practically grew up together and she finished with some inane remark like "if I had to pick one from the heart, it would be her!" To be clear, I had asked her which dr. is the best at c-sections...and she gives me some drawn-out answer about who her bosom buddy is? Fail. Not picking that one. I'll ask the new dr. next week.

I do now have the option of going to see a peri. I thought if he was still in breech today I'd probably go. But now, since he is still in breech, it looks like I may get to meet him sooner rather than later and the whole idea of getting worked up over this appointment (I'm sure I'd be nervous about it) and having them not be able to tell me anything for sure doesn't sound so great. Plus, I'm not sure my insurance would cover it and a u/s w/ a peri is not going to be cheap. It would be great to have some peace of mind for the last few weeks, but again I run into this risk that there will be more to worry about. I think I'll find out if it's covered and go from there.

So I'm bummed out. My shower is this weekend and I'm looking forward to that being over. I'm sure I will enjoy the party and I'll have someone using my camera to take pictures and one day I might look back on it with fondness, but for now I'm just going through the motions. I don't even know what I'll do with all the stuff. I'm pretty sure it will seem foreign to me, like - what will I ever need this for, what silly presents! But I am looking at the positives. This baby is alive and kicking and seems healthy and this far along, you'd think we'd know if something as bad as T18 were wrong. Maybe not know know, but wouldn't there be more signs? I mean more than the breech thing? And he is my little guy, and this shower is about him. It's a celebration of him and no one knows the future, every single person is operating on faith. I need to accept that and enjoy it for what it is. I need to stop waiting until the perfect future is laid out in front of me and guaranteed. I need to stop postponing enjoyment.

Oh and my obg didn't tell me my fundal height today. And I didn't ask. I don't know what that means (the fact that she didn't tell me), but I kind of don't want to know anymore. Which maybe should indicate to me that I don't need that peri appointment. I can't even take a fundal height reading.