Thoughts at the dawn of the third trimester

Dr's appointment yesterday went pretty well. My fundal height went up 5cm in one month and my weight only went up a half pound. My jaw dropped at that. No. freaking. way. I had been trending at 1lb per week consistently since the beginning and I was sure last month was the biggest growth period yet (I was right, according to my fundal height). I haven't changed my behavior at all. I guess my body just evened itself out this month because now I'm exactly where I should be for weight gain. No less than three people mentioned that I looked good and like I had been laying off the beer and ice cream. The ice cream comment was from my OBG and I didn't miss the opportunity to tell her that, actually, I have ice cream every. single. day. True story. There may have been about 2 days during this pregnancy that I didn't have ice cream but that's it. Slow churned, 1/2 the fat, but still. It's all very nice to hear but 'yall ain't seen nothing yet, if you know what I mean. I just started the third tri. I have almost three more months of growth to go. It's easy to look good for an 8-month pregnant person when you're only 6 months, you know? S-- could get scary still.

The OBG said it looks like I will be having a very average-sized baby and that I will go "back" to being a toothpick right after (I've never been a toothpick) since it looks like all the weight I'm gaining is in my belly. She keeps saying things like this that kind of compromise her credibility. Of course they're what I want to hear but of course there's no way for her to know. Fundal height is not a super accurate measure of size, generally, and how the H does she know how my fat deposits will allocate themselves in the very dramatic home stretch of pregnancy? Whatever. I am happy with the way I feel. I am energized and healthy and I couldn't ask for more, physically. I could ask not to have a mental breakdown every other day but I dare not for fear of asking too much.

The nurse explained a bunch of hospital intake forms to me yesterday and then finished by asking if I was nervous. "I'm not nervous about labor," I said, "just nervous about the baby's health...they found a CPC at my 19 week scan." "Oh, you're worried about that?" She responded, it wasn't totally clear whether she knew what a CPC was. "Oh we've had a couple of those and no problems at all, not in the last two years." No idea why she answered like this. First, why the cutoff at 2 years - what happened before that? I didn't ask. Maybe that's when she joined the group, maybe that's when they stopped ordering follow-up, and maybe she was making it up because she had no idea what I was talking about. Who knows? Also, according to my OBG the frequency of CPCs among her patients are more like a couple a month. Not a couple period. I made a mental note a while ago that this assistant is not a wealth of information so I dismissed the comment.

The baby was really active yesterday and my OBG noticed an acceleration while we listened to the heartbeat and said we had a wild child on our hands. "Good." I responded. She looked surprised - probably surprised that I wouldn't want a more mellow kid, so I clarified, "as long as he's healthy."

Everyone keeps saying everything will be fine. But what does anyone know? I'm still not convinced. I feel very very fortunate to be pregnant. Fortunate that he's alive and kicking today. I feel excited for the possibilities. But I can't shake the fear. I was planning my baby shower this weekend, planning a winter getaway to Mexico yesterday, and it all feels too good to be true and like I have to remember that it's all just a dream and may never happen.

I thought as I got closer to the due date, and as I had more appointments during which everything checked out fine I would relax a little. But I'm not relaxed and I think the countervailing force is exactly that the due date is getting closer. This is all getting very real.

I mentioned to C my reservations, my distance from the pregnancy, I mentioned how, whenever I work on the nursery I feel like it's just another home-improvement project, I don't identify with having a baby in my life. "That's horrible!" She said. "I know. I don't pretend it's not." I said. "I'm just being honest." C thinks I worry too much. As does everyone else in my life. And maybe I do. Maybe this is something I should have forgotten about that day at the OBG's office when I heard about the CPC. Maybe I should have dismissed it before I got to my car and went on assuming everything is fine. I screened negative after all. No problems here. Maybe that's what normal people would do.